Need URGENT input on my Intellectual Vitality Essay

redchair
Sat, 01 Dec 2012 00:39:21 +0000

First off, it’s a very bad idea to post an essay on a public forum. You don’t want to take your chances of someone possibly plagiarizing part of this.

That being said, some technical stuff:
" During the early days of our startup, I didn’t even have a clue of where to start before I spent countless nights pouring over Excel spreadsheets and analyzing our financial situation." This sounds a bit awkward. Is it supposed to be, “where to start, so I spent?” I’m not sure where the emphasis is supposed to be in the phrase and it just sounds a bit weird. Also watch out for the word even, you don’t need to use it here because it’s redundant, and you also don’t have to use it in the other sentence, “To even get a loan in the first place.”

Like SAT128 said, it’s not bad and it’s hard to criticize (there are a few random comma splices you should get rid of though). But it doesn’t exactly stand out either. There’s no hook at the beginning that pulls me into your essay, and there’s no strong takeaway message at the end that I’m left with. The essay seems standard and reads predictably. Maybe change some of the formatting to make it less predictable and drive home the intellectual vitality aspect of the essay rather than it seeming like an essay about your fundraiser (also, what is Ace of Shakes?)

I think your essay can still work though, good luck editing it for tomorrow