New Student/Family Orientation

paying3tuitions
Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:17:54 +0000

There seems to be a mutual code among guys to help each other out in any way possible so that one of them can be “lucky” as they say. They will “sexile” each other (put a tie or some other code on the door midday) to alert others not to enter the room for an hour or so midday, that they might be alone with their partner. My sons learned to keep all their day’s papers in their bookbag, as one time one of them couldn’t hand in a small assignment on time because of being unexpectedly sexiled by a roommate midday. And the prof understood and saw it as a valid excuse.

I’ve read students on CC who feel that “sexiling” midday is more courteous to roommates than having a partner sleep over all night on any regular basis. So what seems discourteous might be relatively more courteous.

As for a steady partner staying over several nights per week, that’s a good example of both of the other roommates setting up some parameters if it bothers THEM (not us parents). Sometimes one of the home roommates also wanders away, too, freeing up space in the room.

An advantage of a triple is the roommate can turn to the other roommate to see if there’s common cause, then appeal to the third roommate in unified voice.

There is also a good chance one male roommate will be elsewhere on any given evening, whether to visit others or just to go home (if in commuter distance) or on a weekend trip somewhere. They don’t exactly stay buttoned down into the bed you’re paying for each and every night.

I know what you mean about having a kid who doesn’t express preferences well, as one of mine has that issue (not the Chapman kid). But flip that thought around in your head. It could mean great social acceptance on campus as an easy-going good friend, so it has its plus sides not to be considered difficult by others.

I find it helpful to ask my kids when they share stuff that bothers me… “what does X (the circumstance that bothers me as a parent) mean to you?” because it may or may not bother them the same degree as it does me sitting at home.

You are right that it’s a process to learn to be assertive with alienating roomates. It takes time, as you know. One of my kids would flee rather than confront a selfish roommate, and often lost use of her room. For months she was bunked in at the floor lounge of some friends rather than deal with her roommate who had her stuff all over the room. Situations are complicated. That roommate had been toid by her parents to move out of the house at age l8 so she had all her worldly possessions in the dorm room. Once I heard that, I had a larger picture and could see the point-of-view of both girls. And when I’d say, “hey we’re paying for that room; you should be using half of it…” then I was claiming my point-of-view (fiscally) so perhaps that gave her more courage to speak up. I don’t know.

I tried to speak more in “I-messages” about my parental view and claim it as such, but leave the outcomes with them. A parent’s take on a situation is valid. and it also has limits. Our take won’t rule our kids’ actions on campus., but if they ask they want to know what we think. Often I ended conversations after giving my perception of a situation they brought up, by saying: “You’re the one on the scene, not me; so you;ll know best what to do next if anything…but those were my thoughts.” And if I thought they were waaay off track, I’d say my thoughts but end with, “well, think about it…” and leave it always in their camp. “Well, think about it…” dignifies them and helps them grow without demanding compliance or agreement.

I also never asked them for follow-up as sometimes these things just float away or they don’t want to tell you how they “solved” a roommate situation. It’s only a roommate, not a marriage, and they change each year so the stakes are less.

It is just the beginning of seeing them make it on their own, and realizing we don’t see or influence as much as we used to when they lived at home. WHich is a good thing. It helps them grow up. But I understand your feelings when your kid is one of those nice guys. Take heart, though. In the end, he’ll win because people will want to be his friend more than if he’s overbearing. But he might not get to sleep where you paid for each and every night in freshman year. I hope that makes a tiny bit of sense…

P.S. In the end I learned not to overplay my hand on the phone or emails about my opinion on whatever was happening in the rooms, not that they shared much, but from the little bits that were shared I could know what was troubling my own kids. If you listen without judgment or solutions they’ll tell you more, and just listening to them as a safe, non-judgmental audience will help them gather strength to act on their own to assert themselves as they need to with their roommates. They, not us, are there on the scene and know all the counter-effects of their words, the actual personalities involved, and the culture surrrounding them. At the same time they are individuals so you want to see them grow in that way, and they will if they make some mistakes.

What’s a mistake? Well, my kid I mentioned who spent nearly a year outside of her room learned to pick her next roommates much more carefully. She wised up but never asserted herself with THAT roommate that same year. She learned and the results showed the following year in her choices. I finally learned to listen and validate what they were feeling rather than tell them what to do about their current problem. Very hard learning for me.

PS, All the above behaviors about sexiling, sleepovers etc I’m merely describing, not condoning. There are also many students who make different personal choices and go through 4 years doing exactly what their parents think they should do because it matches their own values even AFTER they think it all through and see other behaviors, not because their parents told them so. That’s also growth.

Each day I wake up and say to myself, “They are adults…” and I take the day from there. As young adults they still call out to ask me for advice or to hear out an issue, but the weight they place on issues isn’t the same as mine, and their solutions rarely echo my thoughts of how to best solve it. Yet I see sometimes the influence of our conversation on the outcome, sometimes. That’s satisfying to me. I feel I play a valuable role in their lives as active listener, safety valve, resource, consultant.

Whoever wrote “be a consultant, not a manager” should receive a prize :)