Not sure whats wrong with me

Onetwododger
Mon, 17 Jun 2019 17:42:42 +0000

I started attending a large public research university in the midwest about a year and a half ago. It is about 45 minutes from my home town (hint hint I was born and raised in Detroit) and have not been having the best experience. For starters I am a 28 year old junior who attended community college prior to transferring. I was not the smartest student but I studied hard and stayed discipline and was lucky enough to get a 3.7. I worked full time as a nursing assistant to help pay my way through school and that coupled with the fact that I was living with an aunt at the time really helped stay afloat with my finances. When I moved away for school however, I was stiffed out of 1500 dollars worth of rent. My mom volunteered to drive me up to school but when the time came for me to move into my apartment no one was available to give me my key. I visited the apartment three separate times prior to this and still no luck. I eventually was forced to live out of a hotel for my first week and Uber to class.

My mother and I scoured Craigslist and we eventually came across a cheap place for two semesters at the last minute so we leapt on it. To help foot the bill for the 1500 dollars I lost, I started working a student job for about 20 hours a week, my peers found this to be strange for some reason but this was what I was used to, while in community college I worked in an ICU so I was able to work 12-hour shifts, so I would work three 12’s a week. The 20 hours was fine though for the time being and my first semester I did well, I went to office hours, kept in touch with my GSI, and my professor even inspired me to get into research which I eventually would.

My second semester, things got a bit shaky. I was running low on cash and my student job wasn’t really paying me much. I was working about 35 to 60 hours per week some weeks and was getting worn out. I also began taking more challenging science courses which only resulted in more frustration. Eventually it was time to move from the second place but the individual who I was subleasing for couldn’t afford to pay my entire deposit back in full. Having gone through my own difficulties I allowed him to pay me monthly and for a few months he did. Eventually however, he changed his number and stopped sending the payments with about 700 dollars left owed to me. Because my student job didn’t pay much I started looking for odd jobs around town.I worked nights at a few grocery stores but was not able to commit because I was suffering academically. I dropped my research position and have sort of become a recluse. I was volunteering for about 10 hours a week and it was taking up quite a bit of my time.

I very rarely leave my apartment now unless for the gym or class. I read sometimes but have lost all motivation in learning. Given my nursing background I very much would have like to pursue pre-med but the idea of even attending school anymore sounds daunting. I wake up every morning with anxiety and am barely able to afford rent, some months. It is a very uncomfortable lifestyle, but I love the school and all of the opportunities it has to offer. The damn city is just so expensive. I was blessed to have been given a situation where my tuition is payed for but given how my experience has began here I’m not sure whether I should stick it out. My GPA sits at about a 3.4 with four W’s but I could care either way. Every time I think about the number it makes me disinterested in the class. I try to speak to my peers about the hard science classes that I enjoy but the conversation always tends to be more focused on getting the highest GPA or testing for the MCAT and my mind just doesn’t work well when I have to think about the future like that. (This could also be because of the age gap) I am most efficient when I can get lost in the topic that I’m interested in, and not have to worry about my GPA however crazy that sounds. At this point I’m not sure what to do.

I’ve stopped taking science courses just because I hate the competitive environment they seem to create. I have about 100 credits an I’m currently thinking of getting a general studies degree and joining the air force. I’ve tried going out but nothing is more nerve-racking then taking a girl out and worrying your card will get declined the entire date lol. I tried to join a marital arts club as well to get myself out of the house, but they ended up moving to memberships and I wasn’t able to afford to stay any longer. Any advice? I’m starting to think maybe school just isn’t for me. My day now consists of me waking up going to the gym, going to the library to do home work, going home, and working. I guess what I am asking is, from your perspective would it be smart to drop out? My mother never really liked the idea of me going away to this school so I do not really have much of a support system.

(I should also say I am a minority who struggles with social anxiety. I’ve been going to therapy for about 10 years now but had to stop because I couldn’t afford to make it there and back. I came to University pretty confident in my abilities, but I feel like I’ve got a bit of the “yips” as well. Where as when I first came here I was able to go to office hours and freely go back and forth with professors, I’ve somehow reverted back into my shell. I’ll often stutter when I go to visit professors and thoughts will get jumbled up in my head when I try to speak; often leaving the office hours appointment with no idea what was said on either end. I spoke to psychological services but all they really could do was put me in touch with a counselor who I cant really afford either. I am not one to point fingers, I take full responsibility for my situation I just want a reprieve.)

Thank you guys for all your help and any tips or advice. I really appreciate it.

EDIT: Also sorry for the wall of text. I got a little out of hand.