Oh, how we come full circle.

emilsinclair9
Tue, 12 Apr 2011 22:18:56 +0000

College Confidential.

You have seen me start, grow, flourish, live - love. You’ve seen me fail, succeed, make friends, become a part of a community, made me a Bear, and taught me well.

Today I wrote to you for my 2,220th some-odd time. I write to you because you listen and understand. This post is dedicated to you and to all that read it. This will not be my last post, but it may well be my most heartfelt. Today I connect through writing - blogging. I connect to the academic world, and I share one of my stories to those who will read it.

16 months ago I met a fellow poster on College Conf. This person was applying to the same UC’s that I was, and had similar personality characteristics as I did and do. Due to major-related circumstances, we chose different schools. I chose Berkeley, my current home, and she chose UCLA. Today I write about our story, and in doing so, I honor her.

We began by discussing our majors and career goals, the pros and cons of the colleges we applied to, our general interests and passions, our worldly endeavors and our idealistic dreams. One day I added her on facebook; immediately I knew I was attracted to her.

We continued to talk on and off for a few months. She lived in San Diego, and I lived in San Francisco. I wrote her novella-length e-mails, she wrote the same to me, we shared music, writing, and an ebullience that is rare – if not impossible to find. One day she invited me on a tour of UCLA. I attended and met her for the first time; it was an amazing day.

Soon thereafter, we continued to talk, and she invited me to her high school prom. I flew down, tuxedo in hand, and met her for only the second time, and yet again I continued to fall for her. Life is too short not to do things like this.

Summer approached. Summer of 2010. I invited her to San Francisco. We went out to dinners, movies (and oddly share the same favorite movies), we took walks, toured the piers, explored downtown - the works. On the second-to-last day of our trip, I decided to ask her out. We knew long distance would be difficult, but we decided to try anyway.

9 months later, I sit here in my bunk writing to you all today. I write to grieve and to vent my feelings. I must wonder if I’ll ever meet as great a person as she is. We broke up yesterday. There are few people in my life that I can look back upon and say they changed me. This one did. Perhaps only her and my first love back in Kindergarten :).

My ex-gf and I would talk on the phone for hours every day, had so much in common, could laugh and kiss simultaneously, could explore anywhere together, could plan and strategize for the worst life problems, could say whatever we want, and could enjoy each other’s company (in-person or not) endlessly. I have never connected with somebody in this way.

Now I sit here and write to you. If I cannot hear your voice any longer, if I cannot see you, be with you, or write to you, then I will come here. For it is you, College Confidential, that is my haven - my sanctuary. You have seen me rise from the pits of failing in community college to UC Berkeley. You have introduced me to a girl I love on your forums, and in 9 months, it has all ended.

What do you have in store for me now? You have been my confidant, my solace, and my blog. I think and then I write.

Today I went to the top of the Campanile, the top of the highest tower at Berkeley, and I went up to observe and achieve some inspiration and a new perspective. Not long ago, my ex-gf and I laid beneath this same tower and looked up at the stars, selecting our favorite one and making it our own. Not long ago I sat there with her and whispered how I felt to her in her ear and she did the same.

Now I have lost her, but I have not lost my places of introspection. There are a few things that will always be by my side, to console me - to listen. I have used trains, towers, secluded forests and trails, books, and much more to find meaning and hope, and to contemplate an innumerable range of things. But on the whole, I would consider and think of my loved ones, and particularly, this girl. However, I have neglected one place.

I now come to you, College Confidential. I overlooked you before, but now I see a new venue to express myself. Yes, I have thousands of posts, but I can remember perhaps a handful of them. This one I will not forget.

So cheers to you, College Conf., for being there for me the past 2 years, and for seeing me through all of this. Thank you, most importantly, for introducing me to the girl I love and probably will always love to a degree. Tonight, I honor both you and her through this post.