I’m going to agree that your job right now isn’t about cleaning up his photos or refining his search methods- it’s plain old condom sense. How does a kid get to that age and run the risks?
If I may offer an opinion as a 20-something:
To quote a Sesame Street song, 'One of these things is not like the others." Hint - it’s the last one.
There are plenty of sites out there to meet people and the first three are good examples. Tinder, at the risk of the mothers clutching their pearls, is a better app (but not the best) for casual sex (although some have found more long-term prospects on Tinder).
here’s a thread from a few years back, with a link to a story that made me laugh. The mom ran the son’s tinder app, and through that the son appealed to a slightly different set of girls.
Good luck to your son. Just encourage him to have activities/hobbies in his life that he likes to do is my one thought.
Does your son’s college have an active college alumni group in the area? That’s a super way to meet people with at least the same educational background.
I agree that Tinder is for hookups, not relationships.
What does he do in his free time? He should look into finding a group activity that matches up with his interests.
“DS is wary too, but wants to find a new girlfriend, and will meet whomever matches and agrees.”
This is the sentence that is a red flag to me. He sounds desperate - not sure for what? A relationship or a hook up?
It’s also surprising to me that he has revealed so much to you about his dates. That’s being very open…which is good, but also I hope he realizes that some of these situations are not ok.
I agree with the advice to clean up his photos, perhaps widen his search- and also try another dating app. Is he open to another app?
Also is he jumping on a date too quickly? I know when my D1 was on Coffee Meets Bagel she was talking via the app for several exchanges before she would even agree to meet.
Well, at least the “naive” part seems to fit. He’s sharing details of his Tinder hookups with his mother and she’s posting them in public forum on the Internet.
Not sure why OP in being naive. She’s simply asking questions anonymously.
How are all the different dating sites different? I know that Tinder is swipe left or swipe right, but how do the other ones work?
At least around here, Tinder is fine and not just for hookups. It had that reputation several years ago, but not anymore. I know several young people who have found good matches on Tinder, including my daughter who is in a profession where she could not risk being on a sketchy site. My son on the east coast seems enamored with Hinge, but I haven’t had any success reports from him. My nephew in Florida has been contacted by a woman I suspected is a scammer- she was 10 years older than him and not in the same town. I told him to run. I think he is using Match.
Two of my son’s close friends met their girlfriends on Tinder. I think they are both together since summer.
I think they did expand their search radius. One girl lives about 40 min away and another about 50 minutes away. I also think that once they matched (if that’s how it works), they spent plenty of time chatting on Snapchat, getting to know each other before meeting in person.
Maybe OP’s son shouldn’t jump right into a date?
They all rely on the savvy of the user. My D explained some lines that are giveaways that one party is out for a hookup. In fact, my 70 year old friend had to be corrected in some of her own wording in her description. I’d bet some of this lingo shifts over time.
Yes, in many cases, you need dialogue, first. Online and by phone.
As for scammers, I have a friend being scammed now. He’s in love. He’s going to marry this guy, when the guy comes back from a military stint. In less than 5 minutes, online, I learned this guy is married and shows up on scam alerts that his photo is known to be misppropriated by scammers. I can’t tell him anything, without a row.
But c’mon. Have the condom conversation. Pronto.
I know e-harmony has been advertising more for younger ages looking for relationships. I tend to think of it as older (both I and my office mate met our husbands on eharmony 10 years ago). My husband, who is obviously way older but this might apply, came to EH because (1) he felt if there was even a nominal up front cost that it cuts out some of the less serious women out and (2) that because it is personality based you start with compatibility and then search for chemistry versus the other way around. I’ve heard good things of coffee and bagels. Good luck!
Everything can work; nothing is perfect. In general, you can leap at every possible opportunity and expect a lot of disappointments, or you can be very picky and miss a lot of opportunities. Or anything in between. You have to set the balance somewhere where it won’t burn you out in a week, and go from there.
Whatever apps the OP’s son uses, it makes sense to put some serious effort into crafting a profile that’s attractive to the sort of women he wants to attract, and that signals what he’s looking for.
That’s part of why Tinder doesn’t have much info on the profile - most people using it are looking for a hook up, not a long term relationship. You don’t go looking for serious dates or a long term relationship based on a picture and three sentences (500 word limit I think.)
I am on a team that travels within the US and to other countries. Most of the teammates are 20 something guys with a few women mixed in and since I’m not their parent, they’re very open with me - maybe a little too open. Without exception, every single one of them uses Tinder and they use it for hook ups, not long term dating. This has been teh case in every place we’ve traveled, so it doesn’t appear to be regional. The team had a good laugh when they first showed me Tinder and I asked how you’d know if this is someone you’d want to date based on a picture and a few sentences… they said it’s “not for dating!”
If your son wants a long term relationship he should go to sites with other people looking for the same.
DD used Plenty of Fish and met her now husband, a shy techie guy. https://www.toptenreviews.com/services/home/best-online-dating-sites/plenty-of-fish-review/
Tinder, at least the free version, has become a poor app for meeting people. The app puts the unpaid users to the bottom of the pile under all the paid users. Only those going through all the paid profiles will get down to the free ones.
Your son really needs better pictures. Find someone with photography skills and photo editing skills to raise his perceived attractiveness and thus his ELO score. Good pictures get selected way more often than poor ones, and getting selected keeps the profile toward the top of the pile.
He should add Hinge, Bumble, Coffee meets Bagel, and other free apps. Especially in thinly populated areas he needs to play the numbers game.
My 20 something son refuses to do online dating. I don’t suspect Mrs Right will come knocking on his door so I do worry a little bit about it.
My post grad d would use tinder when she came home, but only did it to connect to boys she knew from growing up.
She is in the early stages of a relationship with someone she’s known for a few years through other friends. My son - sigh - sweet, funny, smart, kind, cute, definitely not cool or suave, but genuine - not sure how he’ll ever meet anyone. It also doesn’t seem to be a priority for him either. I suspect when he feels ready he’s going to go hunt down a woman and marry her in 2 minutes of knowing her.
S met a guy last summer through okcupid. They have been seeing each other for 6 months now. He seems great.
Lol, it appears that might be the case!
My niece met her two long term BFs on Tinder. They were/are both very nice, college-educated, as is she, and very compatible.