Parent of Gay Teens

corranged
Fri, 15 Feb 2008 22:59:52 +0000

I think you should let your son handle things in his own time. If I had seen this thread the first time, I would have advised you not to confront him about it, for a variety of reasons. I feel the same way about this new situation. Let your son come out to you when he feels ready.

Coming out to parents isn’t just about letting your parents know; it’s also the step that I feel really cements being gay. Coming out to friends is significant, of course, but it’s also easier and more temporary. Remember that teenagers go through phases all the time and change their minds constantly, so any sort of declaration can be taken back pretty easily and soon forgotten. (Not that being gay is a phase, just that the “I’m gay” statement weighs less amongst teenagers.) He could be trying out the label–seeing how it fits him and how he feels “being gay” to the world. Coming out to parents is a step that shouldn’t be forced. Though I can think of some cases where it may make sense for a parent to confront their child, I don’t think this is one of them.

Even if he’s totally comfortable with his sexuality, he may just not see the need to come out formally. Some kids with accepting parents never sit down to have a talk about it; they’ll just eventually mention a boyfriend, make a comment about someone attractive on a movie, refer to themselves as gay, etc. If he’s most comfortable being casual about it, and you’re accepting and don’t have anything to discuss, then maybe that’s what will happen. There’s not always a need to come out formally. He may not need help dealing with coming out. The safe sex issue needs to be addressed in any case. I wouldn’t talk too specifically about male or female partners, but if you include one, include the other. Stress condoms, staying sober and off drugs (a huge issue in the gay male community), regular STI checks while he’s sexually active, and where to go for further help and advice. Talking about consent, comfortable age gaps, and aspects of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships would be great as well.

I’m wondering what you have been doing in the mean time. Do you make any comments to him about attractive men or women? Have you had conversations with him about future marriage or kids? Have you had any safe sex chats with him? That’s mostly my own curiosity. Both before and after coming out to my parents, these topics (minus the sex one… they don’t do that topic) have made me the most uncomfortable.

I don’t really get the part about your nephew or other son. As to your husband, none of us know how your relationship works. Maybe just talk to him about whether he thinks your son is gay, see how he reacts, etc. You can bring up what you know already if you want or if it comes up in your conversation.