Parents and school tours

millie210
Thu, 11 Aug 2016 02:55:09 +0000

I’m going to echo @Lindagaf with perhaps fewer patooties.

My son is about to start 10th grade, so he’s still a ways from visiting schools, but I have opinions anyway.

First, let me say that I was an independent kid. I grew up outside of Boston and didn’t think twice about visiting colleges by myself by driving, taking the T or taking Amtrak. I’ve spent most of my son’s life trying to get him to be MORE independent, not less. He is adamant that there is no way he is visiting colleges alone. Maybe he’ll feel differently in a couple of years. Maybe not. So yes, I’ll likely be there on the college tours. And I’ll probably ask questions, either because he won’t open his mouth (he struggles with some social anxiety) or because we don’t have the same questions. So @LCatherineG maybe you want to be a tad less sophomoric and remember that sometimes you don’t know the whole story and don’t know everything about why people behave the way they do.

Which is not to say that some parents aren’t helicoptery and overprotective. They definitely are and they shouldn’t be. “We” are not applying to college. The student is applying to college. And I actually like your idea of separate parent and student tours. It frees up both parents and students to ask questions they might not otherwise ask. It frees tour guides to say things to students they might not say to parents.

The fact that my husband and I will be paying for college does matter. My son will be full pay. We will very likely be paying out over a quarter of a million dollars for his education. That is a stunning amount of money. For that kind of money, we get to ask some questions. And even if we weren’t paying a penny, we’d still be entitled to ask questions. Believe it or not, there might be things we want to know that would be relevant to my son’s decision making process that he might not think of.

There’s a difference between deciding for my kid and having some input and influence. I went to college. I have many years more life experience than my son. I actually know some stuff he doesn’t. My son wants to major in CS. He just assumed without thinking much about it that he’d go to the engineering school of an RU. Because of who he is and what he’s like, I happen to think he’d do better overall at a smaller school. So we’ve talked and I’ve persuaded him to look at LAC’s along with RU’s. Am I making the decision? Did I say he can only apply to LAC’s? No. That would be wrong because ultimately this is his decision to make. Do I think I’ve done a good thing by expanding his options? Yes. My son, for various complicated reasons, doesn’t think fit matters and doesn’t really want to visit schools. Because I’ve been to college (and grad school and law school) and therefore have an excellent sense of how much the people and the culture of a school affects a student’s experience in general AND because I know my particular kid and how he has responded to various experiences he’s had, I think fit is important for him and I’ve been pretty insistent about it. So, yes, I’m already influencing his selection process. It’s called parenting.

Your post is completely developmentally appropriate. That is, you’ve painted everything black and white, you’ve been blind to nuance and you’ve not yet learned how complicated life can be. That’s ok. You’ll outgrow it. In the meantime, I’d urge you to remember a few things. Even in this generally helicoptery age, parenting styles vary. There are parents who smother their kids, parents who do a great job balancing influencing their kids and providing independence and parents who need to care more and pay more attention. And kids vary tremendously in their maturity, common sense and urge for independence. So sure. Mentally roll your eyes at some of the ridiculous parents. They’re out there and I’m sure I’ll be doing that when I’m on some tours. But an across the board condemnation of parents who ask questions and who exercise some influence is oversimplifying and uncalled for.