Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 2)

compmom, if they work this out, maybe they can get her off Warfarin and onto something else. My husband is on low dose Xarelto and my dad just got moved from Warfarin to Eliquis. No INR readings, no vitamin K worries, much easier.

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My dad had abrasions before he was on hospice and he was being seen by a home health care agency. They recommended a cream barrier. However, when hospice arrived, they had a healing mesh bandage they they showed us how to use. I never understood why hospice had a treatment that worked, but the home health agency did not recommend that treatment. I am sorry I do not remember the names of each treatment.

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Thanks but it would not be helpful to switch anticoagulants. With a GI bleed it is all the same and Coumadin can be adjusted down easily. Vitamin K in not a problem: it is an antidote and one of the reasons Coumadin is a safe drug.

We are putting her on Bridge to Hospice with one Palliatiive and one Hospice nurse.

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It is called a Hoyer Lift…


Make sure the staff have your dad on a ‘turn schedule’ so he is off that rear end. They can put pillows behind his back when on his side to keep the bed pressure off of the areas that need to heal.

Sitting is not a help because he is on those areas. But there are special seat cushions that help.

Talk to the wound nurse at the memory care place so his abrasions can be properly treated.

This is all part of ‘standard of care’.


Thanks, good advice. I’ll do that, thank you to all who have given me helpful information!

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Can anyone recommend home hospice services in northern NJ? FIL got covid a couple weeks ago and his lungs are pretty bad. He’s in a rehab facility to recover physical strength and walking skills after 10 days in the hospital for a UTI (where he picked up the Covid). Doc has recommended hospice. FIL wants to go home to his apartment and his cats and TV. Rehab is going to kick FIL out of their facility since he can’t do rehab. Somehow it is cheaper for a live-in aide than staying in the rehab facility.

Anyway, suggestions welcomed. The rehab folks gave us the name of a place, but we’re looking for more/better options. TIA!

Hi all. New to this thread. My MIL will be 99 in four months. She was living alone in her house and completely independent until exactly two years ago, four months before her 97th birthday. Then she broke her hip. After surgery and rehab just before pandemic chaos began, she moved into an assisted living facility and has been there ever since. It’s $10,000 per month. She needs help getting in and out of bed, dressing, and toileting. Other than mobility issues, she is 100% healthy. Truly. Cognitively and physiologically. Her only problems are muskuloskeletal. At $10k/month, this is unsustainable. But hiring 24-hour help in her home would cost even more at $15/hour plus food. She could live another five years. How is this sustainable? What do people do?

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Talk to an attorney @brantly. Your MIL may be able to qualify for Medicaid if she uses her funds for care. Find out if the ALF is licensed for Medicaid. It’s possible your MIL wouldn’t have to move once the personal funds run out and Medicaid kicks in.

Is the current facility the only option? The cost seems awfully high to me, unless it’s in a very high COL area. My mom’s was a little over half of that, but in a small city. Does your MIL still own her house? If so, could that be sold? My mom luckily had LTC insurance, but that ran out after about two years, so she worried about running out of money, even though she had plenty. She moved to AL four years ago after having a stroke. She did very well in rehab and was still sharp mentally, but also had mobility issues so could no longer live alone. She loved all of the activities and programs at her AL facility - it was so much better for her mentally and socially than living alone. Her health declined in part because of the Covid restrictions and she passed away peacefully in her sleep at 95.

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@brantly , I’m dealing with a similar issue. Mom will be 100 next month. She’s wheelchair-bound and living with me with 24/7 care because of mobility issues and Alzheimer’s but is otherwise healthy. Rates for the caregiver agencies in my area just increased in January and it’s now costing from $27-$30 hourly, depending on day of the week. Her last bill was $21,500. Talk about unsustainable! We’re looking into placing her in memory care for $7,000 a month if she can do without her 24/7 caregivers there. The facility says they can handle it, but what happens when she needs to go to the toilet 5 times a night (not unusual for her) and there’s no one right there to take her?

We tried hiring privately for $15-$20 hourly but had no luck. One of them quit on us at 4 AM, another one was willing to do overnight shift if I would provide her with a room to nap in and a bed alarm for Mom so she would wake up if Mom tried to get out of bed! She said I couldn’t expect her to work all night and not sleep at all! :roll_eyes: Even the agency has a hard time finding employees. No one wants to work anymore.

I thought I could do some of the caregiving myself but I’ve already strained my back twice. I don’t get much sleep even with caregivers here and forget about privacy. It feels selfish to want to move her to memory care and I would feel terribly guilty, but this just isn’t working out…

Her current facility does not take Medicaid. We’d have to move her. $10k/month is the going rate. It’s a chain ALF, nice and clean but nothing luxurious. We’re selling her house. She’s very upset not to be able to pass the house (the funds from its sale) down to her children and instead spend $1M on her care.

Remind her that it’s a gift to the family knowing that she is going to be well cared for!


Good point.

DH will be going to help his sister where their mom lives. The mom is currently in the hospital. He will be gone at least a week. I’m just hoping it doesn’t snow a lot here…or I will be the parent who needs the help!

Good for your H to go and help. Hope everything is okay. That’s unfortunately what can tend to start happening at some point. My youngest kid was still in high school when I started to have to make long out of state trips(weeks at a time) to help my sister with my then 80+ year old mother. It can become overwhelming when this starts and the bills add up quickly. Good luck!

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@sevmom my oldest was a HS senior the year my mother declined. It was hard.

I’m glad my husband can go. His sister really needs a break. The hospital will allow one family member to be with MIL…which is very nice. My SIL needs to rest…plus she is working.

Things have definitely settled down for us now that my dad is is the memory care unit. My mother, however, has become increasingly negative about everything, and I’m trying to hard not to get irritated. Complain, complain, complain. She’s outright making things up about how terrible the hospital was (though I correct her every time, gently), finding fault with everyone, and now she’s complaining about how terrible the food is at the memory care facility. Sure, it’s not great, soft food severe dementia sort of stuff, but she’s annoyed that they’re not feeding him salmon (it would have to be wild caught, of course), 100% organic food, and OMG they keep giving him strawberry yogurt instead of blueberry. :roll_eyes:
To which I remind her, “You live five blocks away. You can bring him all the food you want every single day!”

Makes me worry that she’s going to continue to be a negative complaining person even after he passes away, and push away any possible friendships or social connections. I had hoped for group travel and social activities in her future, but nobody will want to listen to this.

@busdriver11, I totally get how annoying it must be to hear your mother complaining blah blah blah (lol about the yogurt), but maybe it would help you to consider how her whole life is completely upside down and will never be as it was. Not that that was good for either of them, but it may take her a while for her to get used to the present.

Of course it’s a great relief to you, knowing that your father is safe, but the older you are, the harder change can be. (I can say that since I don’t call myself “oldmom” for nothing!)