Parents in denial

LoremIpsum
Mon, 05 Jul 2010 12:35:17 +0000

A lot of good ideas have been presented here already. Unfortunately, changing an established trend of behavior, in both the teen and the mother, is very difficult. OP, you may need to try a variety of ideas until you find one that really sticks and makes a difference. Here are a few more ideas:

Make a chart of the boy’s grades over the years until now; extend the graph’s trendline, which will likely show that he may very well never even finish high school, much less get into MIT. Show it to the boy and ask him, “Is this the train you really want to be on? To end up a high school dropout with a minimum wage job at McDonald’s, harassed by a shift supervisor who barely finished high school himself?”

Acknowledge that doing well in school is more a matter of learning to “play the game” than of raw intelligence – and that REALLY smart kids learn to play the game, even when they hate the rules. I used the game-level analogy with my own son when he (quite rightly) complained of being forced to do endless busywork assignments. I told him, “Suppose you are playing a video game that everyone raves about, but the lower levels are horrible and stupid – do you argue with the set-up or do you just find a way to get through these lower levels with minimal stress, so you can get to where the real fun is?”

The idea of helping the boy start his own business is a good one, if he seems like the entrepreneurial type. I arranged to have my son, as a high school freshman, take a college chemistry class on a trial audit basis. He was immediately hooked: a class that explained everything just once and then moved on immediately? A class where limited homework was “suggested,” but not required? It gave him a taste of a more interesting future that truly motivated him.

Confront the boy if he refuses to accept any challenge at all. Many smart kids are afraid to be recognized as “posers” who really aren’t as smart as they have been told; hence they slack off, ready with the excuse for others AND themselves that they only did poorly because they never really made the effort. Tell him: “You can’t avoid making decisions because NOT making a decision is a decision, too – and the worst possible one. Your current trendline is your future – is THAT the decision that you are happy with? It’s easier to change now than to undo years of damage later.”

Good luck! I’m sure others will be able to continue to add to these suggestions.