Parents in denial

goaliedad
Sun, 04 Jul 2010 19:49:04 +0000

Sorry to be late to the discussion, but I thought I’d throw out a few things…

1) It would appear that his “emotional needs” are being poorly served by the immediate family and it doesn’t sound like OP wants any part of trying to crack that nut. Nobody expects OP to be a hero and single-handedly save a struggling family from itself.

2) It does however sound like there is one currency that the parents don’t provide (at least from the one comment about trying to sell things he waits for in line on eBay) - and that is material things.

Yes, it sounds horrible to appeal to greed and materialism to motivate achievement, but you use the levers available to you (and in this case it doesn’t sound like there are many).

There aren’t a lot of gainful activities available to a 9th (going into 10th IIRC) grader, but if OP can find one where she can mentor him (prod him to use his “smarts” and other talents to achieve), she will gain currency as a person who leads him to positive things, opening her up as a person whose input could carry more weight elsewhere.

For example, if OP were to help him start up a lawn-mowing business showing him how is inital investment (she can even lend him the equipment for a nominal charge or percentage) coupled with his time yields results that will get him the “stuff” he seems to be motivated by. Then she can (use a spreadsheet) to show how investing in better tools (riding mower) can allow him to take on more profitable jobs using less time, she can put his brain to work.

As he eventually comes to the realization that there is a limit to what he can earn in lawn-mowing, he can be taught that his analytical skills (figuring out the yield on capital) will serve him well in other (more profitable) endeavors.

So far, this sounds like the fufillment of his material desires is the only thing that the parents are not providing him right now. And using that as a teaching tool is probably the best thing the OP can do at this point to get him being productive.

It may not solve the academic or late-night issues, but perhaps if OP is valuable as a teacher in the business world, he may eventually give her respect in other matters.

No perfect solutions here, just small steps in a positive direction.

Best of luck.