Parents in denial

paying3tuitions
Wed, 23 Jun 2010 11:36:37 +0000

The only thing I know how to do when talking to kids raised to be impressed with their own intelligence, yet contemptuous of others, is to ask them a few pointed, rhetorical questions that cause them to go in upon themselves. Since he has been trained not to listen or respect anyone else’s answers, at least you can teach him to ask himself the right questions without answering to you, because he won’t. You’re his aunt and he craves your head-patting affection still.

I can imagine how disappointed you were when the little glimmers you caught (from the Mom) turned out to be non-starters when you raised the topics with him. I really think he’s doing nothing, or less than nothing, and she’s grabbing at straws. So don’t pretend to be interested in him when he’s got not much to offer.

But I feel you can mirror back reality to him so he can think about it a bit. If he’s a nephew you love, I like you would not be able to walk away from him at this age forever and say, ‘tough luck’ because to me what sounds right around the corner is drinking and drugs with the bored/boring friends, if that hasn’t already begun.

COnversation might sound like this:
“Hey, nice t-shirt. How’s school these days?”
“Bleh, boring.”
“Boring? Hmm. So what are you doing about that?”
"Me? Nothing. What can I do? Everyone there’s a jerk (–the other kids in class, the teacher, the scheduling system…)
“I would hate to be bored all day.”
“Yah, it sucks.”
“Did you think anyone’s ever going to make it interesting for you?”
“Sure, why not, that’s their job.”
“No, everyone’s busy making it interesting for themself. C/mon, you didn’t know that yet?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s what people are doing. They don’t have time to liven it up for you. That’s your job. Why would stuff that’s cute at age 8 still work at age 14? Anyway, you’re boring me right now. I find this conversation boring. I’m going to get a soda. Oh, and if you want to hear how to make school less suck-y just call me at home (or text, or email me…whatever you think he uses as first line of communication that you can do, too) and we can talk. I’m always here for you. Think about it…” (I always end conversations with bright kids ‘think about it’ because they do.)

Then the NEXT conversation (IF it ever occurs) would have to be initiated by him, because he wants to know what you had in mind. He has to come to you. (Then you can suggest EC’s, books, whatever you think is better than being a mall-rat). Right now, if you try to tell him things that are interesting to do, he’s not interested.

Essentially you are telling him that you – his doting aunt!-- now find him boring, then leaving him with that puddle to deal with in his own time. You’re telling him you’re available for a return conversation. You’re not commenting on the parents at all, so using your aunt-position to maximum effect.

Just my approach. Think about it…