Please check w/ my essay

belly
Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:27:12 +0000

To woami:
I don’t know about everyone else, but I think that if you want to address the reader, you should address him/her throughout the essay and not in just 1 sentence.
-------> Examples, please?

I agree with the other posters; elaborate on the things that Bush and Nixon did that were so evil. You don’t need to write “George W. Bush, the present one”, instead just write George Bush jr. Both Nixon and Bush did negative things. Maybe you would want to contrast a good president with a bad president in order to further strengthen your argument that profession does not determine character and moral fiber.

------------> I would, but I just could not find a well known one. No way I’m going to use my country’s political leader to give that as an example b/c he/she 's not well-known outside the country. But with Bush, the present one, I meant “the present president”

It feels to me that you threw in the example about batman and the scarecrow just so you could have an example.

----> it’s OK to feel that way. I could not given examples from my country’s reading because they are not wellknown

The paragraph, in my opinion, does not talk more in depth about batman and the scarecrow, but instead, goes off on a tangent about “Lawyers, doctors, football players or even drivers and sweepers.” The last sentence of that paragraph should have been a part of your conclusion.

-----> Batman, scarecrow are just examples. So are lawyers, doctors etc.

“To encapsulate” doesn’t really strike me as an ending tone. You can either leave that out, or replace it with “In conclusion”

“There is no book to judge, especially on the spiritual side.”
I don’t really understand the meaning of the sentence.

—>------------------> I based the last sentence upon the old adage" You cannot judge a book by his appearance". I was, perhaps, going off on tangent by using " book" but not “appearance” here. But I think even if I did you would not understand what I meant, either. Lol

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh; I didn’t really focus on what you did do well (Your introduction’s really good and the general idea is solid).