please critique my risky harvard essay II

pebbles
Mon, 08 Nov 2004 23:01:59 +0000

I dont think that’s risky in any way =|

But otherwise, I think it’s a very good essay. Minor sentence-structure corrections such as:

"As I would help Sister Sebastian exercise-a stroke victim and my favorite sister- she would tell me of her trips to Rome, "
exercise is not a stroke victim, the sister is, so that modification is misplaced.

and this:

What could possibly make a fun loving, boy-crazy, career-driven diva aspire to take a vow of chastity, poverty and obedience? Well, lots of things.

but really you only talk about ONE thing. so get rid of the “well, lots of things”, and tell your story from there.

Again, I thought it was a great essay, it was straight to the point, not overly wordy, and your personality definitely came through. One of the better essays i’ve read on CC so kudos to you :D