please critique my risky harvard essay II

Seven_Nights
Wed, 10 Nov 2004 00:28:15 +0000

i’ll be very honest b/c that is how i always ask for criticism from other people in whatever I do. only through honest criticism can we really improve.

i agree with dewitt

i am left probably knowing an activity from 5th grader (internship?). i would suggest using something when you were a bit older.

it sounds very black and white. its not complex or poignant. it follows the simple structure experience –> realization. you don’t make it very complex. you can make it complex by showing your struggles in attempting to balance this. drop subtle hints. add complexity, emotion, resistence to change, anything that add to the complexity of your structure.

you leave me wanting to hear more at the end and you suddenly end the essay. its not a fluid ending.

instead of using your stock exchange idea I would solely focus on the nun experience. i get a more genuine feeling from that paragraph than from anywhere else. and you can complexity to it by dropping a line about your resistence to changing from your learned materialism.

hope that sparks some creative change