Please help a neurotic prospective student with essay!

dancemuse5
Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:01:13 +0000

First off, i liked your introduction. it grabbed my attention and made me want to keep reading.
However, I felt that your essay used a lot of cliches (“nowadays”, “c’est la vie!”, “dog-eat-dog”, the whole “diverse day” idea). I also found some parts of it that read very strangely; i’d be very careful to make sure that your english comes across as perfectly as possible. Also, i would not close with your thoughts about the weather. just like you said, it seemed a bit superficial.
overall, i think the “bones” or basic idea behind your essay is good, but i felt that it could be executed in a way that better showed who you are. overall, i’d call this a great first draft! good job!