Please rate my essay.

qialah
Sun, 01 Dec 2013 13:31:36 +0000

You have a lot of syntax errors, funny word choices and overly wordy sentences.
A few examples:

“degrading us.” "Degrade can’t take a direct object. Either “degrading” or “degrading to us.”

“in which we have been warned of.” Should be “of which we have been warned.” But even that is very clumsy. It’s also unnecessary.

" in a world marked with increasing technology and economy" “Increasing” is incorrect in this sentance.

" were very deceptive in their prefaces. " I have no idea what “prefaces” means here did you mean premise?

Don’t use parentheses so much. If you have a point worth making or supporting, then make it. “which will consist of lazy, talentless, and (with regards to worldly involvement) people.” This aside doesn’t even make any sense where it is.

Overall, I feel like this uses a lot of fancy words and convoluted constructions to make it sound learned.

Finally, the argument itself isn’t well supported. It’s far to simplistic to argue that all technology or all change-you seem to use those words interchangeably- has been bad for us. I sort of see the case for how technology is degrading, but I don’t see any support for your contention that it deceives. Be specific about what you want to argue and support it with evidence–don’t use statements that say things like “it’s not hard to see that…” because those are assumptions, not supporting evidence.

It would be a far stronger argument if you picked one or two examples of technology, eg, the cotton gin, then and talk about the pluses and minuses it brought. It’s always better to be narrow and focused on these essays.