please read and give me some feedback please.

SusannaSunshine
Sat, 13 Nov 2010 13:57:54 +0000

Im a senior and i wanted some feedback on my personal essay.
This is from dah prompt: Tell us about a special quality, talent, accopmlishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about the quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.

im not sure how many words it contains but i will edit everything by cutting some parts if it is necessary…

I remember that i stood inside my cousins room listening to the arguments between my aunts, uncles and partents. They were all completely mad at me for being so shy and not being more social or outgoing like a girl who was determined to win the competetion and make her family look good. I was competing against another girl in a competetion to determine who raised more money to help build a church at Mexico and the winner would be anounced Queen 2006 and the other Princess. At first i thought it would be fun, but then i realized the difficulty to satisfy society. I had to talk and dress a certain way to give out a good impression of myself and my family. I was very shy, quiet and conservative and according to everyone i wasnt going to win without a more socialable attidue like my opponent. I still remember the insecurities I felt inside whenever I had to ask people to participate in my raffles, and buy tickets that i was selling for the dance that will introduce the Candidates for Queen. I remember i had to ask my mom to come with me because i just couldnt handle the looks and whispers. When the night came to introduce me and my opponent my aunt had told me to wear a puffy dress they had bought because it was part of the tradition. In my opinion I don’t feel comfortable in puffy dresses so i had told her that i will change into the dress in the reception bathroom.So i went wearing some jeans and a nice shirt. Once i arrived i didnt want to change until later. I saw the other candidate arrive already wearing her dress, I instead wanted to wait until they told my dad that they will introduce us soon but they didn’t. I went to the restroom waiting in line when suddenly, I heard my name in the speakers my body froze, my heart was pounding through my chest, and I closed my eyes because I knew poeple will talk about how bad i look without my puffy dress, so they called me once more.I opened my eyes and said to myself this is who iam and i must face my fears of being judged and teased. I walked out that door into the stage and even though i heard whispers, laughter, confused looks and embarasment from my families eyes, i maintained my head high realizing the confidence within me. That confidence lead me into becoming more active. I thought to myself that i wanted to make this church a reality, and with that in mind i started to go to soccer tournaments informing people on how they can help create a dream a reality, i started developing communication skills as i persuaded people to participate in raffles and buy dance tickets which will anounce the winner of the competetion. It seemed not to matter those glances all i knew was that this would a success. the night before they anounce who would win for Queen, i thought to myself that whether i win or not this money will be used for a good cause, and I would feel satisfied either way beacause this experience made me maturate as a person.Finally the night arrived, my family was nervous they even started giving money to my dad to add to my account.Then the moment arrived they had called me and the other candidate up.I looked at the audience smiling at my opponent showing their preference for queen and they looked at me in a very sad way almost feeling sorry for me. then the speaker guy anounced " and the Queen 2006 who was able to raise over $3,000 was…Susanna!". At that very moment i realized that in the darkness of all those judgments, was a dim light.a light of hope and confidence, which taught me that the whole world may doubt me but i carry a dim light that sustains you and at the end helps you find your full potential. This accomplishment biuld me into a strong, confident determined women. My light has never shined brighter and i would like to show how much success my full potential can bring to the University of California.

Please be honest and tell me what you think…