please read and give me some feedback please.

arunemo
Sun, 14 Nov 2010 06:34:46 +0000

Like people said, I think you should try removing this. Not a good idea posting the whole thing on the forum.
About your essay, break it into paragraphs firstly. Keep the writing short and to the point, like Pixie said. Right now, your essay sounds a bit like you’re rambling and there’s no clear focus so to speak. You have a compelling story to tell and I would suggest focusing on one specific detail to show the entire picture. Perhaps you could concentrate on the puffy dress-I really liked that (maybe because I’m a girl. But oh well). Just general tips to make your essay stronger.
I should add a disclaimer-I am not an authority on essays or anything, so by no means should you take my advice as the absolute truth or such. Think of this as an honest opinion of someone who has never met you and talked to you, and what kind of impression it leaves on them. This is what I thought, I’m sure there are loads of people who’d disagree with me outright.