Please read my admission essay!

coconutcake
Fri, 30 Nov 2012 17:56:48 +0000

This essay bothered me so much that I’m back for Round 2.

You need to remove the following things completely: The car service, the “cheap” snacks, the exclusive club, the indoor pool, and anything that mentions your financial station.

I get that you are trying to show the reader just how different this new city was to you and what you’re used to. But what you have to understand is that crowing about your own privilege is a MASSIVE turnoff to ad coms. You need to understand your audience here. Do you think your reader will have his/her own car service? Indoor pool? Exclusive club access? Let me blow your mind for a minute. I am a former boarding school teacher (at a school that is mentioned fairly often in this forum), and the highest salary I ever made there was $25,000, plus room and board. And I was a full-time faculty member, academic advisor, and coach. Your reader is probably not going to have ANY inkling of what it’s like having the kind of money you’re talking about growing up with. Do not alienate your reader.

Your own financial situation is irrelevant to your story here. You witnessed inequality, it was painful, and (hopefully) you did whatever you could to help your new community because you care about people and can’t stand to see anybody suffer. It doesn’t matter if your parents make $40,000/year or $4,000,000/year. A student whose parents have either one of those incomes could still be shocked by seeing people sleeping on the street for the first time and be moved to action.

If you haven’t done anything to help your new community, then I would encourage you to do so, not for the purposes of writing a good essay, but for the purpose of becoming a better human being.

The lesson you “learned” is also extremely trite. That you’re a lucky kid? Well, whoop de do and good for you. What did you learn about sharing? About empathy? About community service? About the common humanity that unites us all regardless of our economic circumstances? About human suffering? About ANYBODY who isn’t YOU?

I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and use your privilege to make a difference in your world. My hope is that you will realize that being “lucky” isn’t enough. With great privilege comes great responsibility. YOU are responsible for your community. Not just the people who are the “problem.” Spend some time reading a bit about poverty, its causes, its impact on society, and its solutions. I highly recommend “A Framework for Understanding Poverty.” I also recommend you getting your hands dirty and stepping out of your comfort zone. Be creative. What is something small you can do to share your “luck” with others? You will be much happier and more fulfilled as a result.