Please read my admission essay!

Oirad57e
Wed, 28 Nov 2012 09:40:07 +0000

I’m applying for BS grade 9 and all I want is some feedback from CCers about my essay. I have to trim some words because the maximum is 500 words and mine has 562 words , so if someone could maybe point out some not needed parts, that would help a lot in the trimming process. Or if you see a weak spot and want to offer some criticism, please be my guest.
P.S. Just for safety measures, names and places have been removed

My topic is: Explain the impact of an event or activity that has changed your life and/or way of thinking?

From our experiences in life, we learn and advance to become a better individual. Whether the event was jubilant or sorrowful, we learn nonetheless. We must treasure these valuable moments, for they shape the human conscience better than any lecture. My experience was unfortunately, not one of joy, but of depression.

I lived in the _______ until I was four. Then my family moved to a lovely little town called . is a quiet town, thirty minutes away _________ by train, and overall beautiful. Lush trees dotted picturesque parks. During autumn, red and golden leaves shone like glitter when the sun shone on them. The air always felt so crisp and smooth, it was fun just walking on an early morning. But this would be the last time I would see this beautiful sight. I would be leaving for the ______ by myself, to meet with my mom and siblings while my dad would stay behind in ____. While the plane was taking off, I had my last glimpse of . The shimmering lights of the city I’ve come to know looked even more unreal from the night sky. Then it was just clouds.

During the whole plane ride, my mind quarreled over what the ______ would be like, which might have been normal, considering this would be my first time in . But there was just one more issue. My mom and other relatives always say it is amazing and I’ll love it there. But any world economic magazine or newspaper would tell you otherwise. After a long flight filled with worrying, movies and cheap snacks, I exited the plane onto ________ land, still unsure of what was to come. I met my mom and siblings at the exit, waiting for me. Hugs were given, and then I began my journey.

My trip from the airport to my new house was okay. We passed by some really nice clubs and buildings, and I was starting to enjoy myself. My family and I relaxed at an exclusive club called ___. We swam in an impressive outdoor pool, which felt nice under the relentless heat. We ate, we talked, we had fun, and I started to think why I ever doubted my family’s remarks. The next day, I saw what clubs like were hiding, what laid outside the bubble of _____ City.

The next week, I went to one of the cities outside of ______. Since we didn’t have a car yet, we rode in a car service, and for the duration of the whole ride, I didn’t look out the window. That was my mistake. When my mom and I left the car, I wasn’t prepared for this. Garbage and plastic wrappers filled the gutters. Stray cats prowled around the buildings as if they owned them. People slept in every crack or crevice they could fin: doorways, cardboard mats, and the roofs of trucks. Even the air smelled of cheap gasoline and cigarettes. It was truly appalling.

I was so shocked I even lost my match. But these sights taught me a lesson no amount of reprimanding could teach me; I am a lucky child, and I have to make the most out of life. And ever since, that has been my mind-set, and I will never strive for less than the best.

Any and all criticism is appreciated. Thanks