Please Read my common app essay.Need feedback

tyrtle
Fri, 30 Aug 2013 15:55:43 +0000

that’s funny, I’m a day older than you lol.

first of all, don’t post your essays on here.

second of all, it really wasn’t a very good or compelling essay. there were a bunch of lines in it that seemed pointless and didn’t really contribute. It doesn’t flow well and seems very blah, especially since you basically start it out with a definition. like, do you really need to explain to us how it happens? you could really just say “my arm was paralyzed from birth”

“Although I may bring home a 70 once in a while
that does not measure my true intelligence.”

really? what point does that even serve?

honestly, i would restart this entire essay because it is so all over the place. first you define the condition, then you say “i have trouble doing my hair”, then you say “it doesn’t define me as a person” lol not very original. then “While we run, it
is important to move our arms intensely to gain more speed.” this is pretty pointless too.

i would say more about it, but theres way too much to try and correct. please keep the essay focused around ONE central idea. you jump between how it affects your daily life, then saying it doesnt affect you at all, then saying “i get 70’s sometimes” and “im a good student”. you would be better off just picking one memory that related to your condition and writing about it.

AND PLEASE FOR GOODNESS SAKE DO NOT SAY YOUR NAME AT THE END OF THE ESSAY…