Please review my essay?

oohtobeagooner
Sun, 14 Oct 2012 14:10:34 +0000

This essay is from one of Michigans supplements, but I’m able to tweak it around to answer other supplement essays:

I knew that I wanted to major in business since the age of 9 when I learned about the stock market. Ms. Barron, my 4th grade teacher, held a stock market competition for the class- she gave everyone ten thousand imaginary dollars to invest in stocks, and the student who received the highest profit would win a prize. Instead of being intimidated at the foreign list of charts and foreign numbers like my peers, I embraced the darkness; I researched for hours upon end about the stock market, and used that knowledge to make educated investments. At the end of 30 days, I earned the highest profit of the class and received a Scooby Doo pencil sharpener- one of my proudest achievements.
After feeling the intense rush of jubilance of winning that pencil sharpener, I became obsessed with the field of business. I did anything I could in order to quench my thirst for further knowledge- since then I’ve invested thousands of imaginary dollars into stocks and have taken advantage of any opportunity to get a more hands-on approach to the field. At the end of my freshman year in high school, I was lucky enough to encounter a branch manager of an international talent recruiting company, Baron Brink International, and land an internship at the head Miami branch. Throughout the summer, I participated in actual recruiting and finances (unlike other internships where you’re basically a servant to employees) and even gained further traffic for the business by developing the company’s website. I’m proud to affirm that from my hard perspiration that summer, I recruited multiple international talents and earned the company over $5,000 in profits. The experience really introduced me into the business world and how it functions. In sophomore year, I learned about the DECA program and further immersed myself into the field of business by studying Business Management and Administration. It was a tremendously prolific learning experience, as I gained knowledge of how to build and maintain a business and the various divisions of labor used to productively gain profits. Because of my copious knowledge in the area, I was invited to DECA’s state competition in Orlando and placed in the top 20.
Due to my intense fervor in the field of numbers and data, I strive to expand my learning in the field of business. For this reason, it has been my dream to learn from the prestigious Ross School of Business. With hundreds of business courses to select, I can not only accomplish my goal of expanding my knowledge about business and economics, but also channel my passion of the wide range of business areas into a narrower, more precise field of study. With the rigorous schedule of an Economics major in the University of Michigan, I will be able to harness my true passion for mathematics and statistics into a desired career path that will establish how I will impact the world when I become an adult.


Please let me know if there’s any grammatical errors, or just any type of criticism you can think of about the essay. Thanks a lot, will review back!!