PLease score my essay

zhhn1995
Fri, 05 Oct 2012 08:59:12 +0000

Hey.
I think your essay is well-written, but there’s some room for improvement.
I think your examples seem to come from one single pool - sports. But in my own opinion, these kind of sports examples are not that perfect since it seems that you did not state clearly your criteria of ‘being perfect’.
Then I think you should have got an opening paragraph that state clearly your opinions, and in the ending paragraph you can elevate your ideas a little if you clarify your thoughts at the beginning.
From mechanics and dictation, this essay is really good with fluent flowing.