Read and grade my argument essay from 2013 prompt?

kli586
Sun, 02 Mar 2014 03:35:33 +0000

So we took a mock test for AP English Language and I got a 6 on synthesis, 7 on rhetorical, and a 2 on my argument essay…which really bothers me because even if I may not have argued both positions very well, I should get a 4…so I was hoping I would get a second opinion.

There are obviously many definitions of ownership and how it pertains to the development of identity. From a more modern viewpoint, ownership without work is detrimental to a person’s sense of self while ownership with work invested to gain such ownership, even of intangible things, will mold together to create a positive sense of self.

Developmental psychologist Eric Erikson once proposed that all human beings will encounter different sets of issues throughout life. Young children go through a stage of competence versus inferiority in which they may derive pleasure from applying themselves, or they will feel inferior. Of course, once these children feel inferior, they will often not apply themselves (“Why bother? I’m going to fail anyway.”) and have trouble developing a positive identity during their adolescent years. The government is not facilitating this kind of inferior attitude in adults as well as in their families with the welfare program. These adults do not have jobs, but they still have their necessities because the government hands them to them through Medicaid created by President Lyndon B. Johnson. President Obama even proposed covering the health insurance of the unemployed; all this with taxpayer dollars. Putting Americans on welfare has simply created a permanent welfare class, with generation after generation of these families living off of the government because they know nothing else. They have no motivation to work to get their material gain.

On the other side of the spectrum is Andrew Carnegie who grew up in a poverty-stricken family in Ireland. This poverty motivated him to leave his family and travel to America where he started his extremely successful steel business. By working hard to own money and the skills of business, Carnegie was ultimately rewarded. Of course, having money does corrupt the individual to some extent as it did to Vanderbilt and Rockefeller (This corruption ultimately led to the demise of Standard Oil) by using backhand methods to gain even more profit, but overall, working towards ownership has positive results.

A prime examples of this would be the formation of America itself. Under the careful British eye after the French and Indian War, Americans felt oppressed and believed that since they have established the successful colonies on this land, they deserve to be the ones controlling, therefore owning, this land. Thus the American Revolution broke out, and British rule was abolished. The task at hand now involved creating a suitable national government, and after some bumps in the road, such as Shay’s Rebellion, the Founders were able to draft the Constitution, which is still the basis of American law today. This document established the reputation of this country, and American can now own a spot as one of the most powerful countries in the world, that it has the skills necessary to be a world power.

That the question of ownership has been debated throughout history by great thinkers such as Plato, Aristotle, and Jean-Paul Sartre, the best definition is a merge of all of their ideas. Owning things can lead to greed bu the work it requires to gain ownership of tangible and intangible items is what ultimately develops a positive sense of self.

I will admit, I added a few words here and there but this is 99.9% similar to what I originally wrote. I can sort of see how I might be seen as off topic but I’ve read some 3 essays and getting a 2 really shocked me.

rubric: http://media.collegeboard.com/digitalServices/pdf/ap/apcentral/ap13_english_language_scoring_guidelines.pdf (question 3)

prompts: http://media.collegeboard.com/digitalServices/pdf/ap/apcentral/ap13_frq_english_language.pdf (question 3)

If anyone answers, I will be forever grateful. :)