Read my abysmal essay please!

ivychan
Fri, 26 Sep 2008 23:36:49 +0000

Good word choice
Like the sentence structure
Questions are good for rhetoric effects!


And now I move into the less-pleasing things to read (I’m a little censorious, hope you don’t kill me)


You don’t adduce many examples; persuasion is the key!
Imagine you’re the grader, rushing through a billion essays in about zero minutes. So you stumble across this essay that seems to be a lump of a myriad of arguments (no: "First…for example…for instance…finally…clearly…secondly…for example…also for example…for instance…), all the while still snapping on the time, what would your reaction be? “AH CRAP!” Right? So then your temper would dessicate, causing you to give the essay, instinctively, a score taken from pure enmity
Most of all, you’re not answering the question. You’re proposing a solution, without giving reasons WHY you think the proposal is worthy, HOW it is justified, etc. I would have imagined an essay for that question to be somewhere along the lines of yes, they should, because…, and it has been proven that…
Questions are good for rhetoric purposes, but I think you might be asking too many.
There are no transition words from one paragraph to another. As a matter of fact, do you only have one body para? It would help if you indent and space out a bit. Also, the conclusion is not obvious, though it IS well-written.


Overall, I’d give a solid 7 or 8.