Read my abysmal essay please!

Dirk_Diggler
Fri, 26 Sep 2008 23:12:41 +0000

Anyone mind giving me some constructive criticism and just any tips overall on my essay?

Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?

Essay:

Logging onto the computer, I enter my personal identification code and password into the school’s database. While inputting this precious data, I take a cautious examination of the area surrounding me. This anxiety driven examination relies heavily on my peripheral vision, ensuring that there is absolutely no chance of any one attempting to figure my information. This initial process is only the first hurdle in what is many on my personalized privacy insurance course. I take these precautions solely as a means of maintaing privacy amongst myself. In this day in age privacy barriers are rapidly being penetrated through. With the level of reliability we place on the internet as our means of containing our private information, it has become increasingly difficult to upkeep one’s personal privacy, so much so that it has become an obsession for many. Obsessions are never a good thing as they eventually lead to nasty situations like addiction. To alleviate these obsessions of privacy, I suggest universally people should lower their guards and stop making such outrageous efforts to keep things private. We should aim for our ideal society as being one of openness and acceptance.
An individual in contemporary times invests an excessive amount of time into privacy, this leads to lucrative business for many. The business of security and confidentiality has reached an all-time high as the national obsession evolves. We as a nation need to break this evolving dependence on these services and see them for what they are: useless and manipulative. How can you fully trust these services? Don’t they have the possibility of error? Nothing can ever be one-hundred percent efficient; consequently, errors and mistakes happen. These mistakes become costly for the individual as their personal privacy takes the bullet for the costly mistakes. This potential scenario alone should be enough for one to question if the concerns over privacy are really worth it? A more open world allows us to rid these worries and lets everyone embrace their flaws on a grand scale. Privacy shelters you from the world, destroying what beautiful potential the world could possibly have.
Privacy shouldn’t be something to strive for as society continues to sophisticate, instead it should be viewed as superfluous. As a universe we should aim to embrace everyone, disdaining from a world that preys upon the flaws we try to hide with the walls of privacy. We should all strive for a serene world that abstains from trying to hide our true selves from each other.

I probably need concrete examples eh?

Thanks ahead of time to anyone that reads over this.