Revise my personal statement please?

rualum
Mon, 21 Nov 2011 12:31:45 +0000

I think you give a lot of history of your world ( Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school —) but you don’t really tell how this history has shaped your dreams and aspirations. You don’t seem to mention what your dreams and aspirations are.

I would decrease the history part, and increase the part about how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations.