Sad to say I have given up

caymandriver07
Wed, 03 Aug 2011 19:48:31 +0000

momma3 - for what its worth, i do think there is a way of supporting someone and having compassion for them even if they aren’t available to accept the support that the present time. I also think that there is a way to do that whilst still providing safety and some semblance of life for you and your other family members. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. Just as your daughter isn’t in a place right now where she can accept the support people are offering, and she isn’t in a place where she has the strength or the inclination to do what is necessary to change things in her life, it doesn’t mean she isn’t trying the best she can. I also have an inkling that you are finding yourself in the same spot. It sounds like you are also doing the best you can and you also don’t have the strength to make the changes or to accept the support that might be available.

It sounds to me as if right now, you can’t even contemplate what would need to happen to have it be ok for your daughter to be welcome back into your house. But eventually, you might be in a place, where that might be something that can be contemplated and that could be a starting place. You right now are spent. Done. Fried. Used up. I bet you feel like you’ve been put in the washing machine and spun. You’re frayed at the edges. (I also suspect this is a little bit like what your daugther’s life is like all the time, because I can’t imagine anyone choosing to live the life you’ve described how she lives.)

Anyway, I wanted you to consider that you leave the door open for your daughter. I know you say “she knows we love her” I’m telling you she doesn’t. But perhaps, you could simply let her know that you do love her and that you will always support her and at the same time you can’t be of much help to her in your current state of depletion and that the best way you know of supporting her right now is to let her live her life, respect the choices she is making, and have compassion for the pain you can see she is in. in the meantime you also need to live your life and take good care of yourself.

Disclaimer- some of these notes are just my way of reminding myself of this too, lest anyone think life is great and i’m some sort of compassionate budha 24/7. Wrongo. I too have my “well just let her try if she thinks she so smart let her do it herself moments” lots of them. even today in fact :)