Seeking for Advice and Support

ClaireDeLunebabe
Thu, 03 Feb 2022 19:43:13 +0000

Hi,

I am here to tell my story because I have kept most of them to myself for a long time and it is not serving me any good. I am a junior in high school and I don’t think my institution is helping me anymore. I have long aged out of this stage but still have 1.5 years until graduation. To fully understand my mindset, I may need to recap from the very beginning.

Growing up in China, I have always been a sad child. I have not seen my dad since I was 3 years old and he passed away from war when I was 9-11 years old. (unsure of the specific age because my mom kept it a secret from me but I found out coincidentally). I had a relatively enjoyable elementary school experience but was sent to a sort-of-military boarding school in 7th grade. My mom did not intend for me to suffer and she also didn’t expect the school to be so harsh academically and destroy my self-esteem. So after three months of attending the school, I developed insomnia and begged my mom to transfer me to an international school. After being diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 13, I took a month off to study English extensively, and then enter the bilingual school where most classes were taught in English.

In the new, supposedly “open-minded” environment, I still didn’t feel like myself. My peers were all very privileged and barely care about studying (despite middle school is quite easy). In 8th grade, I decided to come to America for high school so I worked extremely hard to score high in standardized tests, write applications and join extracurricular activities. Unfortunately, due to my mental health and the overwhelmingness of my Seasonal Defective Disorder, I had to give up the ideal options I had in the New England area and come to high school in Florida.

So, my mom and I moved in the summer of 2019 and have lived here ever since. Due to the disruption of Covid, freshman year passed by really fast and I was frequently caught up with the anxiety of not doing enough. During quarantine, I got to take time to reflect on myself and experienced a good amount of growth. Coming back as a Sophomore, I have become an independently-minded person who finds the school more unsatisfying. I have a strong passion for the arts and invest tons of energy in my creativity and imagination, but my school department is toxic, and must commit to the hobby out of temporary interests. They would oftentimes engage in small talks, judgmental comments, and things I don’t enjoy as an extroverted introvert. I am also constantly tokenized and asked to play other minority characters that are not of my ethnicity. I hate how I am underrated and my talents in writing and directing are overlooked.

Meanwhile, throughout 2020, I was very caught up in world news and genially mourned every time an AAPI community member was attacked due to hate crimes. My heart was torn and many writing pieces were inspired by the desperation. I began to notice the relentless cases of micro-aggressions I receive and at times direct, to-my-face racism and xenophobia. My schoolmate shave parents are all influential figures in the area, live in mansions, and don’t have concerns for their future careers, while I am still tentative due to my immigration status and facing the fear of being deported out of nowhere one day.

In the summer, for the first time, I felt like returning to my true self as I was able to only hang out with friends I am comfortable seeing and working hard for summer classes and independent research projects.

Coming back to school in junior year, I had very high expectations for a more academically challenging curriculum. In the first month, I was verbally harassed and molested by a teacher, then it took me longer to report it to the school, have him fired and I never got the reconciliation I deserved. This experience made me have deeper thoughts regarding my femininity but now I am exhausted from understanding my own gender expression after my mom invalidated my bisexual identity. I want to protect people like me who suffer for different reasons and become the force for change. As someone who is born into a relatively amount of privileges financially, I know that facing challenges in other aspects gives me resilience, courage, and determination. But the truth is, at this point, I am so tired of trying and I don’t know if life can ever become brighter. I go to therapy and take anti-anxiety pills regularly; I listen to wellness podcasts every morning and practice intentional kindness, forgiveness, and unconditional love for others, but they don’t erase the frustration I feel. Arts, writing, and being at service for others are my only sanctuaries. I am on borderline ED for I occupy myself with so many activities I have no time to eat but only drink coffee and it sinks into a negative cycle.

Now, it’s been more than two years since I have gone back to China, and the older members in my family are slowly dying. I am afraid I won’t be able to see them for one last time and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the China-US tension and resume the airplanes.

If you have the patience to read until this point, thank you. I have sank in the state of sadness for basically 17 years, nobody expresses romantic interests to me and as you can tell, most of my peers don’t align with me ideologically. I want to live a “normal” high school life and be as free-spirited as my friends. Will I ever be able to achieve that?