Short Story- rate please?

xiggi
Thu, 25 Nov 2004 13:09:58 +0000

Effulgent, your essay is beautiful and emotional. I like the style a lot, and especially the inclusion of words like forlorn among the sea of simple words It represents a very subtle but noticeable reminder that you possess a deep vocabulary. I think that you captured the emotions of the events with clarity and depth.

There are, however, a few challenges ahead of you: polish the text while hunting for small typos (gimick, for instance) and hollow words like suddenly, check the grammar, and finally decide on how to maximize the placement of this essay. The key will be to find a prompt that allows this type of narrative.

PS You may decide to review the juxtaposition of tall/willowy, dry/parched. Since the words are synonyms, could you not simply use the very expressive willowy and parched? Your words, “his body slack and face hard” worled so well because it is direct and pwerful. Were you to use additional adjectives, it would not help at all.

Thanks for sharing the moment.