Spring of Self Care

Aspieration
Sat, 14 Apr 2018 05:27:32 +0000

Healthy ways (physical edition) seem to be coming naturally so far. It helps A LOT that H is a heath nut and we lots of greens, leans, beans in the house. My legs are sore, but in a good almost pleasant way.

What has been unexpected (here am at 1:30 am) are intensified self-scrutiny, self-judgement and worry (about the boys, their future) as I lay in bed WIDE AWAKE and with racing thoughts.

What is S2 studying in Spanish? Where will S1s bus pick up/drop off for summer camp? Is it OK that I let S2 read so many graphic novels - should I restrict? What if it turns him off reading? Should I make S1 practice drumming or be OK that he goes to band practice willingly (S1 was so prickly about piano lessons his devoutly Christian pino teacher of THREE YEARS finally FIRED him as her student and since S1 was ‘excused’ S2 joined in being excused… and what do I do now about that which was last summer?!?).

I also have dark sad corners of self-judgement and worse. I feel like S1 put me in the position of constantly making nice-nice (often groveling) with everyone in his sphere, in a ‘thanks for putting up with him’ way, and somehow this has seeped into my personality. I’ve lost my assertiveness, H is SUPER ASSERTIVE (and successful) and so I am self-critical of being spineless and… I can say this here… I think I let my kids walk all over me to (get me water, that’s my spot on the couch, put on my socks).

I have a prescription sleep aid, but I’m afraid to take it. So now that I’ve put this out there, I’ll try to go back to sleep.

This feels like normal worries dialed up too loud.