Taking medical leave and feeling like a failure

soontobecolleger
Thu, 10 Jan 2019 11:51:46 +0000

A few weeks toward the end of Fall quarter (I was a sophomore) I fell into a deep depression and ended up in the hospital for depression anxiety and suicidal ideation. My mother actually flew across the country to pick me up because I had stopped showering and changing clothes and getting out of bed for anything but food. I’m taking a medical leave of absence now and doing intensive therapy, three times a week instead of one, and I’m starting on medications.

I ended the quarter with two fine grades and two incompletes cuz I was taken home before some of the exams and my mother wanted me to have incompletes and MLOA instead of just quitting which is what I would’ve done without her help. Now my school is starting spring quarter and my sister and boyfriend will be resuming at their schools in a week and my sister is getting into grad schools and having interviews and I just don’t want to be alive.

I feel like I’m supposed to be in school and working and volunteering in a lab that was training me and preparing for grad school resume and instead I’m home doing therapy and reading and coloring like a child. And I hate hearing about how well my sister and others are doing. It just makes me feel worse. And aside from her I have my mom and my boyfriend and one friend, and my friend and bf don’t live in my state so I guess my support system is pretty small so that’s why I’m here. I don’t want to go back to school or work, but I know I will have to at some point if I stay alive long enough cuz I can’t just be mooching off my mother for years. It’s been many years that I didn’t want to be alive and I just thought it was normal cuz everyone says life sucks. I don’t feel like it’s going to get better. My mom is just wasting all her money and time on me. I feel like a failure.