The boyfriend back home

nottelling
Tue, 15 Sep 2015 22:49:36 +0000

Re #22: On exactly this topic, my 20-yr daughter recently said something to me that had so much truth in it that it almost took my breath away. When I expressed concern that she didn’t want to answer my questions about the guy she’s been seeing this summer (whom I know and know is a good person but who I think may be too old for her), she said:

“Mom, I’ve been working very hard at controlling my anxiety and I’ve finally gotten those anxious voices in my head to quiet down. I am very happy right now. Your suspicious, anxiety-driven questions are threatening to revive those repetitive anxious thoughts in my own head. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but that’s why I don’t want to subject myself to your questions about this relationship. I am happy and calm and I want to stay this way. Please respect my privacy.”

When I asked how I was supposed to assess the situation if I didn’t have the relevant information, she wisely said: “It’s not your job to assess this situation, mom.”

I was stunned by this because it was so true. Upon reflection, I could see how my questions driven by my own anxiety would provoke anxiety in her. (“What are his intentions?” “Why is he interested in s younger girl?” “Are you planning to see other people when you go back to school?” “Is this a long term thing?” “Have you talked about this?” Etc etc etc).