The boyfriend back home

Youdon_tsay
Tue, 15 Sep 2015 19:35:36 +0000

I don’t blame you for feeling bothered, OP. I wouldn’t like knowing my child was lying to me/withholding the truth, and I would feel like I would want to say something. I think you should say something because 1) you will feel better having cleared the air, and 2) maybe this is the time to re-establish a new, adult relationship with her.

We had a ground rule with our sons from the time they were in middle school – we want you to hold off having sexual intercourse until after you are in college. We told them that we didn’t expect them to be virgins if they marry at 35, but that we believe 14, 15, 16, 17 is too young to be sexually active. I would bet my last dollar that they didn’t have sex in HS. I also would bet my last dollar that they did have/have had sex in college. We felt like this discussion (prompted by a Scouting merit badge of all things!) let us set a boundary and explain our feelings and expectations but also allowed everyone to save face because we knew that sex as a young adult is normal and healthy and inevitable! That said, ds2 is way too open with me about his life, and I’ve had to say, “Dude, I don’t need to know everything. Everyone should have a zone of privacy, me and you included.”

With that as a backdrop, if I were you and your dd was mine, I’d say something like, “I feel kind of bad that you weren’t up front about Johnny coming to see you Labor Day weekend. I know you know that I’m not 100% thrilled about this relationship (if that’s true) and worry about him impeding your ability to fully embrace college life, but I want to make sure you know that I am 100% in your corner and will always support you.”