The rejection oscar

citygirlsmom
Fri, 06 Apr 2007 19:12:26 +0000

Regarding the “he’s a deny” email, the boy is a friend of my Ds, and here is his reply to the Reed Corresponce after their “apology”

Dear Mr. Applicant:

Please accept my apology regarding the email you were sent inadvertently
by Ms. Van Volkinburg. Her note was a shorthand internal communication
meant for another member of the staff and was not supposed to go to you.
At times, and this is one of them, email is a medium that is extremely
prone to careless error.

You will receive the formal notification of our decision by mail.
Letters to all 3,363 applicants for 330 freshman spaces go out tomorrow
and Thursday.

Best of luck as you continue your education.

Sincerely,

Paul Marthers
Dean of Admission
Reed College
Portland, Oregon 97202



From Applicant to Reed:

Subject: RE: Never received application acknowledgment

Dear Ms. Volkinburg,
I realize that my previous message may have been a bit hasty. After settling my nerves with a couple of cans of Red Bull, I realized that the incident was not as galling as it originally seemed.

However, one subject still nags me: the use of the phrase, and I quote, ‘he’s a deny.’ Even ee cummings would be appalled at this utter debasement of language. If I may offer some improvements to this notice:


Dear Applicant:

We are sorry to inform you that we will not be able to admit you to Reed College. We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,
The Reed Admissions Staff

Or:

Dear Applicant:

We have read of your well-publicized stance against NAFTA. Due to your inflammatory remarks concerning our Canadian neighbors, we are compelled to deny you admission to our College. We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,
The Reed Admissions Staff

Or:

Dear Mr. Applicant:

We believe the journal “Science” acted quite hastily in publishing your astounding theories seeking to verify a connection between string theory and loop quantum gravity. You are clearly disregarding the effect of supersymmetry and the existence of eleven (not ten) M-Theory dimensions. Having a student such as yourself in the freshman dorms would surely taint the minds of the students still struggling to understand quantum foam. You are therefore a deny. We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,
The Reed Admission Staff
Or:


Dear Applicant:


Your application, which included an essay seeking to prove that the number “seven” was actually a letter in the alphabet, strained credulity to the breaking point. How could we possibly admit you? We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,

The Reed Admission Staff

Or:

Dear Mr. Applicant,

Due to the fact that you have seen the best minds of your generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,

Dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking

For an angry fix,

Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection

To the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,

we are forced to deny you admission. We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,

The Reed Admission Staff

Or:


Dear Mr. Applicants,


We are sorry to inform you that we cannot allow you admission to our school. In your non-fictional essay, you acknowledged the fact that you own less than five cardigan sweaters. This simply does not hold up to our standards of fashion and quality. You are, therefore, a deny. We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,
The Reed Admission Staff

Or:


Dear Applicant,


Of course we would love to loan you $5,000 dollars to allow you to unlock your concealed riches in a Nigerian bank! This sounds too good to be true! Our social security numbers, PIN codes, and credit card numbers are all in the attachment above. Although we would love to do future business with you, we cannot admit you to the College. We wish you luck with your college endeavors.

Sincerely,

The Reed Admission Staff

As you can see, there are countless alternatives to the grammatically grotesque “he’s a deny.” I understand that I most likely received your message by mistake. Please make sure measures are taken that a similar incident does not happen to other prospective students; few will take it as light-heartedly as I have.

Love,

Applicant