UC Essay #2 - Please critique!!!

Smiffer88
Wed, 24 Nov 2004 07:59:31 +0000

Right now it sucks. I wrote this in like 5 min. I don’t even know if I’m answering the question?? It’s kinda tough to write something of meaning in under 200 words. Anyways, tell me what you think…

Question: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution, or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

“Are we taking the t…r…a…i…n…?”, I tried my best to articulate. He stared at me blankly, shaking his head at the nonsense I had just uttered and shrugging his shoulders as if I wasn’t already aware that I might as well have been talking to a wall. In a flash of brilliance, I gestured for him to stop walking; that much he could understand. I reached in my pocket and took out a scrap of paper that I happened to be carrying, along with a pen. With the paper in the palm of my hand, I jotted down the best rendition of a train I could in five seconds followed by a giant question mark. I showed him the picture, eagerly awaiting his reaction. His face lit up with a smile and he nodded with excitement, as if to answer yes. This is one of my most poignant moments shared by me and my host brother from my adventure 5000 miles across the globe as an exchange student in Japan. With only one year of Japanese under my belt, I managed to overcome a language barrier and successfully adapt to a new culture during my one month stay. This experience gave me great confidence in handling situations of similar struggle and has proven to be a valuable asset to me ever since.