UC Personal Statement Critique Wanted

Student808
Wed, 06 Nov 2013 05:47:11 +0000

I’m not sure if my essay is what UC colleges look for in a personal statement or colleges in general. I have not had much writing experience, so any constructive criticisms (especially about the topic choice, grammar, and overall flow) are greatly appreciated.
Thank You!

Essay:
As I sent my best glare in the direction of the disgustingly self-righteous girl, I hoped that the words wouldn’t stumble on their way to defend the girl I had met not ten minutes earlier.

I grasped the arm rest of the car door as the flag pole came into view. Unlike my friends, who I had known since Kindergarten, I was attending a different intermediate school for a more challenging education. Although I was just a few miles away from my childhood friends, I knew I would rarely or never see them. Grimacing as harsh reality slapped me again, I made my way down the unfamiliar halls.

By the time it was recess, I felt very much like a turtle who had misplaced its shell. To summarize my morning, I went to my art class instead of band first. So, when the art teacher couldn’t find my name on his roster, he sent me to the office. I must have looked distraught because they sent me to a counselor who escorted me to the band room. When the bell rang, I was relieved I would finally get some fresh air and enjoy a snack.
As I stood outside the band room, I watched the various groups of students around me, eager to hear about the two weeks that they had spent apart. Then, in my peripheral vision, I saw a girl walk toward me and lean against the railing next to me. What caught my interest was her unusual attire; I saw the unmistakable shape of a muʻumuʻu, a simple, old-fashioned Hawaiian dress, complete with the familiar elastic sleeves, eyelet frills, and ribbons around the bottom. Noticing my glance, she did a friendly wave and said “Hi, my name is Kat.” After the awful experience I had that morning, I welcomed any friend who could help me adjust to my new surroundings. “Hi, my name is Kellie. I like your dress; it reminds me of the ones I used to wear when I was small.” Kat asked me about where I came from and which classes I was taking. She was one year older than me and was only taking the art class.

Next, a scene that I thought only existed in movies played out before me. A group of girls were marching our way toward the snack shop when suddenly the girl in the front stopped in front of us with a scowl of disgust. Criticism burned in her eyes as she glanced up and down Kat’s dress. Finally, her expression smoothed over and in a matter-of-fact voice she said, “Why the hell do you dress this way? It’s so weird.” Kat’s shoulders seemed to shrink and she looked down, embarrassed. Like a zoologist discovering a new species for the first time, I was astonished that bullies even existed. Before they could slither away, I snapped out of the trance, retorted “She can dress however she wants to.” The leader of the pack did a double take, looking stunned. Regaining control of her expression, she glared at me then stalked away. “You didn’t need to say anything. Now they’ll think you’re strange too.” Kat whimpered. I uttered one of the greatest aphorisms my father told me, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

I believe that in one’s most vulnerable times, one’s true nature is revealed. That day, I found my true character, who I was and would always be. I am confident that wherever my goals make take me, unfamiliarity and the lack of a social circle, will not hold me back. Just as I enjoyed the conversation with Kat, I take delight in hearing the experiences of others and sharing my own. I feel that if I hear and understand someone else’s experience I gain some experience myself, and vice versa. My true nature is what drives me to leave familiar territory for college and pursue a degree in computer science, a field that I am very passionate in, but still know little about. In the search for experience, I am confident that the Universities of California can provide me with the education, environment, and peers to grow.