UC Prompt 2, help critique please please!

theknightlight
Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:04:57 +0000

HI!
You said “reward” way too many times in the first paragraph.
“satisfied with what they got”. I would change this to: satisfied with what they had won/received/gained.
“I was willing to go the extra mile to get a better reward, literally” I get what you meant by literally, but the placement makes me think you’re saying “LITERALLY A BETTER REWARD”, when I know you mean “Literally go the extra mile”.
So write, “literally go the extra mile”

“I work every week” at your job? Or volunteer work?

“I do not mind having to do extra work, rather, I get excited when I have a job to do because I know that people are relying on me and that if I can accomplish my task, it will bring happiness to others which is enough for me” change to:

“I do not mind having to do extra work. Instead, I get excited when I have a job to do because I know that people are relying on me. If I accomplish my task, it might bring happiness to others which is enough to motivate me.”

“I continue to carry those traits today” change to: “I retain those traits to this day”

I don’t like your use of “unintentional teacher”. How about “unconventional”? In last sentence, change good (boring) to excellent (better!).
I hope this makes sense! :)

God bless you in your college applications!