UC Prompt 2, help critique please please!

cathereeene
Sat, 05 Nov 2011 21:34:49 +0000

I wrote my personal statement for the second prompt, but I’m not sure if it’s good or if I have the right idea of what the admissions officers want. Please read and critique or even edit!

Trick-or-treating is my favorite pastime. It has rewarded me with the sweetest rewards and has even helped me become a more determined and passionate person. That may sound odd; how would trick-or-treating benefit anybody? All it really does is give children cavities. However, it taught me that determination and perseverance will lead to rewards in the end.
During elementary school, I went trick-or-treating with my friends. We embarked on a journey through countless neighborhoods, asking for a trick or treat, and the trip proved treacherous for my friends; they always gave up after only a few neighborhoods and were satisfied with what they got. I, on the other hand, was not satisfied; I knew that if I worked harder and went to another neighborhood, I’d get even more candy and that was what I valued. I was willing to go the extra mile to get a better reward, literally. I walked for miles and miles and when my friends complained of aching toes, heavy bags, and weary eyes, I persevered and motivated them to continue on. I would use silly reasons to keep going like, “Think of the chocolate!” or, “What if they’re giving out king-sized candy bars?!” They always laughed at my reasons but nonetheless came along. We would walk so far that our parents would have to drive to pick us up and we would all gather at my house to count our goodies and rewards.
As I grew older, I dropped the activity of trick-or-treating, but the values that it taught me persisted. Instead of trick-or-treating, I volunteer and instead of the reward being candy, the reward that I value most is the accomplished feeling I get when I know I have helped someone, made their day, or simply made them smile. I work every week and thrive on the feeling and it motivates to me to work harder and actively in my community. I do not mind having to do extra work, rather, I get excited when I have a job to do because I know that people are relying on me and that if I can accomplish my task, it will bring happiness to others which is enough for me.
Trick-or-treating taught me that hard work leads to good results, whether it is candy or a smile. I learned how to be a better leader and a diligent person. I loved how I was a strong worker, a person with determination to get a job done right, and I especially love how I continue to carry those traits today. I am a person who is willing to do what it takes to accomplish something, help lead others to an ultimate goal, and strive for the best. Trick-or-treating may seem like a silly activity children participate in but I considered it as an unintentional teacher, and a good one at that.