UC transfer personal statement - post, critiques, advice, etc.

lindyk8
Sat, 31 May 2014 18:54:30 +0000

Well I only glanced at the first, which actually has a lot of great potential, but you have wayyyyy too many adjectives and unnecessary description. It’s not reading like you. It’s reading like someone with a thesaurus trying too hard. Take this line for example: “prickly plants berated my poor soles…”

REALLY?

Start over and just tell your slice of life in your own words. No thesaurus. No thousands of adjectives.

Also, like someone said, don’t post online anymore. But that first story has potential. I would stick with it and work hard refining it.