"uhh sorry, what was your name again?"

TimeCruncher
Thu, 15 May 2008 12:03:08 +0000

I am terrific with faces but terrible with names. Upon first meeting people, I usually forget their names within seconds after they introduce themselves, but I remember their faces forever.

I have a problem remembering people’s names, especially when I run into someone I haven’t seen in a long time, and/or when I must introduce people to each other. (One time, while introducing my daughter to an old friend of mine, I “forgot” my daughter’s name. Another time, during an introduction, I “forgot” my own name!) I have tried various memory-training techniques to fix this problem, without success. I do my best to accommodate this problem. I tell new acquaintances that I have trouble remembering names. I ask new acquaintances to repeat their names. After meeting a new acquaintance, I rush to write the person’s name down (if I can still remember it). Whenever I encounter someone whose name I have forgotten, I greet the person warmly, immediately reintroduce myself and then say, “I’m sorry, but I have forgotten your name.” I am genuinely apologetic, and so, most (but not all) of the people whose names I have forgotten have not been personally offended by my social shortcoming.

My name–which I have always despised because it is incongruous with my physical appearance and my personality–is difficult to spell and to pronounce. It is also difficult to remember. Many people have trouble remembering my name, and I usually do not take personal offense when someone forgets my name. However, I do take personal offense when someone who has unintentionally forgotten my name neglects to offer an apology (however cursory), and when someone playing a social one-upmanship game pretends to have forgotten my name.

There is a huge difference between forgetting a person’s name and forgetting a person. There is also a huge difference between unintentional social gaffes and intentionally rude social behavior. It is likely that most of the people (including your classmates) who have not made the effort to learn and remember your name (even though you have learned and remember their names) have not intended to dismiss or disrespect you. However, the people in the meeting (which you mentioned in Post #29) who repeatedly referred to you as “what’s her face,” sound as though they were intentionally behaving rudely, and if so, then you were entirely justified in taking personal offense at their social misconduct.

I wish I had your knack for remembering people’s names; that knack would save me a lot of awkward social moments. However, I am one of many people who have trouble remembering names. Many of us do our best to remember names, but our “best” often isn’t good enough. People like us don’t intend to offend people like you, which is the reason many of us will extend an apology to those people whose names we have unintentionally forgotten.

My advice to you is: Whenever another person forgets your name, before getting angry and taking personal offense, first try to determine if the person is simply someone who has trouble remembering names, or if the person is being intentionally dismissive, disrespectful, and rude.

Please have patience for people like me; we don’t intend to offend. As for those people who do intend to offend… they’re not worth your time and attention. Forget them.

Best wishes.