Virginity and Going Away To College

calmom
Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:32:26 +0000

Whatapain… it seems to me that you or your d. equate sex with inappropriate behaviors like drinking & drug use – it is as if the rationale is, if you cross the line into forbidden territory, then anything goes.

To me, that is a function of an unhealthy attitude about sex: sex is bad, therefore having sex leads to bad things … as opposed to sex is good and natural, but best reserved for individuals who have the maturity and good judgment to plan for sex in an appropriate context and at an appropriate time. The definition of “appropriate” may be subject to individual differences - but that’s another discussion.

My d is with a bf almost 2 years older than her, and he either doesn’t drink or is very, very sparing in how much he will drink. (i.e., a sip of champagne on special occasions, but not a regular drinker – he is over age 21 now, though she isn’t). My d. does drink, and has since the age of 16 (she spent time living abroad where it was legally available) – but she is not a heavy drinker and avoids heavy drinking activities like frat parties – she is appalled at college women she knows who put themselves in positions of getting drunk around strange males, which she thinks is tremendously risky. She’s more the glass of wine with dinner type. But she met her current bf soon after her return from abroad, and his influence on her was to led her to cut back on drinking, because he so obviously disapproved if he saw her drinking at parties or social occasions. So because her boyfriend is more the quiet, serious type their evolving and deepening relationship also meant a shift toward a more risk-averse lifestyle.

I am concerned because I think that for some young women, the feelings of guilt or shame or taboo nature surrounding sex might be what leads them to drinking or drugs at a time when they feel driven by biological urges to become sexually active. So it doesn’t help to give them a message that sex is bad or dangerous or inherently risky – it only reinforces the push toward engaging in other behavior deemed similarly risky.