Virginity and Going Away To College

Drosselmeier
Fri, 21 Dec 2007 13:15:13 +0000

Whatapainthisis:

I don’t think it is wrong for parents to be concerned about their children’s sexual behavior, even about their adult children’s behavior. Some parents here seem to take a more hands off approach to these issues, and I think if this works for them then fine. But I also respect parents of your sort. Having concern is not the same as not letting the child make his/her decision. It is being interested in the emotional and physical well being of the child because sex can severely affect both. Your daughter has expressed a desire to date while waiting until marriage for intercourse. I think that is a worthy desire and that it is quite acceptable for you to do what you can to help her fulfill it.

I find it a bit disturbing that some of us tend to suspect that young men who do not pursue sex are gay. It is entirely possible for a guy to be very much interested in women, very much interested in sex, but so afraid of his inability to handle them in our advanced society that he avoids the issue. The young man you mentioned may be terrified, and therefore has decided to delay sexual activity until such a time as when he has confidence in his being able to be responsible for any outcome of his sexual behavior, whether emotional or physical. It isn’t necessarily about repression, but about observing others and knowing one’s limitations.

There is also the distinct possibility that the young man is concerned about differences in faith. If he is devout, he would perhaps have a difficult time laying aside a proscription against being “unequally yoked with non-believers” and instead enjoying an exclusive relationship with your non-believing daughter. He quite possibly has a social network that, should he seriously date your D, would frown severely on him, even questioning the sincerity of his spiritual devotion. I do not judge such people here, and even think their concerns are legitimate. But it is quite possible that this boy has these concerns.

I respect both you and your D. She sounds like a fine young lady and I hope my son meets someone like her. I have no real answers for her, but were she my D, I would share the following with her:

1. Know your philosophy, including your views about marriage.

It is one thing to claim “I want to wait until marriage to have sex” but one should know why one wishes to wait and have a plan for making it happen. If you don’t think God is against pre-marital sex, then what is the big deal about marriage that it must exist before sex? If you think marriage must exist before sex, then what, other than sex, are you looking for in dating? Given your view of marriage, what do you want from a guy that a trusted girlfriend cannot provide? Are you hoping to enjoy validation from a guy of your desirability as a woman? Can you reason that this sort of validation is the foundation of the sex that you think should exist only in marriage? You should be very honest with yourself in answering these questions. If you discover why marriage is vital before sex, then your philosophy here should drive your general view of intimacy with the opposite sex.

2. Be willing to act on what you know is right for yourself, regardless of what others say.

Many people, including parents, will advance a laissez-faire approach to sex where their kids are concerned, and they will even claim that those of us who do not take such an approach are somehow flawed, repressed, in need of therapy, or gay. Be willing to gently ignore these people and do what you know is right for you. We all have differing situations and must develop different solutions in view of them. If your life has led you to the conclusion that pre-marital sex for you is wrong, then your obligation to your own values is to develop a way of life that is fulfilling, and that permits you to maintain your beliefs. If others claim you live incorrectly, be willing to stand for what you know is good and true, while allowing your critics to live as they please. There is no need to preach to them about how wrong they are in choosing to live as they do. Their own lives will reveal the quality of their decisions (which is also true of your life). So do what you know is excellent.

3. Build into your life practices that give attention to aspects of your life, other than sex, that could serve others and that need development.

Living a full, giving, and balanced life can help a young person manage sexual desire until it can be expressed in marriage. And when your life finally expresses into sex, all of the giving and fullness to which it has become accustomed will be with you, to serve your husband.

4. As for attracting respectful males, I only know of one way—be worthy of respect.

Many respectful guys would feel quite comfortable with girls who are content with enjoying conversations and not sexual intimacy. These guys aren’t freaks, contrary to apparent popular belief. They are very much interested in having sex. They just don’t buy into the lie that young men have little choice but to sleep around before marriage. While feeling sexually attracted to a woman, they may enjoy the woman’s thoughts and ideas for years before they become willing to express sexual attraction physically. This sort of guy will not quickly “make a move” on a girl. He will enjoy his work, and exploring life, until someone comes along to share his interests, fascinations, and eventual intimacy. On the other hand the guy who is only interested in getting into a girl’s pants will make the move. Perhaps this sort of guy is preferred in primitive societies where rank fecundity can mean the difference between a society’s life or death, but I think in societies depending upon contracts, loyalty and other highly developed ideas, men who are interested in sharing their intellects and self-control win the day. If you want a respectful guy, act worthy of respect. Perhaps rather than engage in the primitive ritual so many kids seem trapped in, where both parties are driven by trying to take something from the other, pursue your passions and through those passions seek to share yourself with others, including guys.

5. Consider altering your view of dating so that instead of it being infused with sexual overtones, it is infused with sharing life and meaning.

Sexual undertones will always be present where the opposite sex is concerned, but it is the sharing of life that should form the basis of our intimate relationships. Your mother and I love music, for example. We both love reading. I have always had strong ideas about family, and so has she. We shared these things for ages before any physical intimacy took place between us. As we did this, I began to notice that with every instance of sharing with her, I became something I loved to be. Whereas once I was concerned only about what I could get for myself, with her I developed a great concern for what I might give to others, especially to her. There was no way I was going to ever exploit her in any way. I eventually wished to give her all that I was. So I offered her my whole self in marriage. I suggest you learn to share your life and perspectives with others, including guys, and be willing to live like this over time. As you share, someone is going to sense the wonder that you are, and be attracted to it. This attraction may develop into something more. Enjoying healthy, mature relationships with interests and respect as their initial basis, and not sex, is every bit as valid an approach to relationships between young people as hooking up. In my view, it is the superior approach.



That is how I see this issue. I wish both you and your D well. I hope she goes on to have a delightful life, surrounded by many friends who love her. And I hope she attracts a fantastic guy who respects her enough to pledge his never-ending loyalty to her by his words, by public marriage, and by intimate and selfless sex.