want some feed back for my uc personal statement:]

cannyh
Thu, 11 Oct 2012 23:52:57 +0000

I tried to be original and to be real. I did not put much work on it so it would be awful, i guess :< but i sincerely want to get some aid here(including all in all tips and sentence structures, grammar and all that)
Prompt1:“Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.”

my essay:

Prompt #1
“Yum Cha” is a popular morning activity for all the Chinese people. It provides variable functions more than just a moment for you and your family come together to drink some black tea or eats some spring rolls. During “Yum Cha”, each family member start chit-chatting automatically, they get to promote their relationship, fulfill some conversation they may not do it daily. Since my parents are fanatics of this entertainment, we would definitely go to “Yum Cha” once a weekend when we were in China. “Let’s go son! It was ten already. Dress up, I and your mom will wait for you at the gate.” I pushed my quilt aside sloppily and started fondling my belly. The sky-blue Snoopy blanket and curtain was always the first thing I saw in the morning. After savoring the combination between the air conditioner and the perfect thickness of the quilt, I would drag my feet toward the white, elegant Mazda parking at the gate. They would occasionally bring up some serious topic about my school or grade though I pretended I was eating every time, or sometimes I would share some up to date news to them.
I was announced about it three before the last time I “Yum Cha”. My oldest aunt with his American born husband, son and daughter will attend, also my two other younger aunts’ families and my old grandparents. That was virtually the first family party in the U.S. and the last one I have ever had till today. The ambience was so awkward to me though I was facing the people I know. The oldest aunt who is the wheel gear to bring us all to the U.S. tried hard to adjust the ambience as a hostess. That was pretty much about it according to my memory on the worst “Yum Cha” so far in my life. This piece of depressing memory can conclude what my U.S big family is like properly. My two phony and nonchalant immigrant aunts can fuss about their unworthy aid on you like pseuds. The oldest one is better, but more like a responsible household than an aunt. I have to admit that the knowledge taught from colleges in China have not that much things to do with the U.S. However I have been feeling unfair for my mom accepting the same employ treatment in the U.S. as my two other aunts with no education levels. This is one of the strongest dynamic that has been motivating me all the time. Since she quit her first job when I was in elementary school, my mom has not been working almost ten years. She has been getting used to the life of babysitting me and being relied on the steady income from my dad. I have no reason for my mom to come to an unknown land with me to suffer all the sorrows and unexpected challenges. Our previous plan was to let my mom stay at home taking care of me and keep rely on my dad’s income. I still remember those days my mom insisted to wander in china town and those wicked, so called new immigrants services. Every day I hear the footstep coming from the garage, I turned my head toward the door, in hope to see a face that was not being exhausted. Every time I hear my mom web cam my father online on the other side of the curtain, complaining about how tough the life here is to my father. I cannot help to feel so much pressure and censured. I have never blamed on this lousy room separated into two with a broken curtain. Conversely, I tried to think positively and affect my mom with it. I need to help my grandpa to take care of my grandma whose health become worse and worse these years. I have been solidifying my aspiration every day during these two years. I know I cannot pay the same amount of efforts my mom has been pouring into me back to my mom. But I know there is one thing I can and need to achieve surely, which is to get into my ideal college and build a better life for myself. Only by accomplishing this, I would not let the efforts me and my mom have paid, and all the sorrows we have sorrowed be wasted.
(731words)