When Parents Get Overly Involved....

Periwinkle
Sat, 18 Jan 2014 12:25:25 +0000

At the beginning, it took us some time to adjust to the idea that kids will call home to vent, even though, IIRC, the teachers warned new parents at the start that kids will do this. They will call home, unload all their concerns, then go on their merry way, leaving parents vibrating next to the phone. After a while, we caught on. Good questions to ask: “Do you want us to speak with (your advisor) (the dorm parent)(anyone)?” The answer will usually be no.

Things that are good to do: helping them to see the other side. “Yes, that’s annoying, but gosh, it must be hard to be in such different time zones.” Role-playing tactful, adult ways to speak with others (very helpful.) "Now, I don’t think it’s helpful to start the conversation with an insult. How about something like, “roomie, I know it’s hard to get used to being so far away from home…”

Notwithstanding that, there are times when it’s a good idea to touch base with the dorm heads or advisor. If your child has tried to talk with the roomie, but has had no success, it does help to inquire of the advisor/dorm head if they’re aware of the situation, especially in the first year or so, when the roommates have been assigned. (Most schools allow students to enter into room lotteries for the next year as roommates or suites.)

Do call if you worry about your child’s mental state! If you think your child is getting depressed, speak up. Some kids get quieter and quieter as they get upset, and that’s hard to pick up on, especially in dorms in which extroverts are letting everyone know They Are Not Happy!

It is appropriate to discuss your child’s grades. That’s why they go home, and why they’re so detailed. You are not a helicopter parent if you discuss the grades with them. Faculty do also discuss students as a team–I think some schools discuss all students, while others concentrate on students who seem to be floundering. So do pick up the phone to talk with your child and his advisor, if the grade report seems worrying. (Having said that, prep schools grade more severely than public schools, so don’t panic at a B.)

If you look at the college side of College Confidential, you will read of many parents who are worried about their children at college. Roommate problems are common, but at that point the children are over 18, and the colleges don’t discuss roommate problems with parents. Students who have made it through boarding school are better prepared to handle roommate conflicts, up to and including switching rooms with other students. As they grow up, they do learn which conflicts to avoid, such as, in general neat people have happier roommates. Or they learn that they’re best off in a single, and thus look for colleges which offer that option.