When's Professional Help Necessary?

advice2013
Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:52:41 +0000

Hi parents,

I’m currently away at school, and I came back for Spring Break just this past Friday. I’m the oldest of two-- my younger sister is currently in fifth grade.

My family is, in many ways, traditionally Chinese, and my father has been away at work for most of my life (and my sister’s). By this, I mean that my father has worked on another continent for most of my life (he returns about four times a year, but that’s it). As I’ve gotten older and moved out, I can see that my parents have done a lot for me, but I can recognize some pretty distinct attachment and coping issues in myself. I am naturally an introvert, and my sister is the exact opposite-- which may make things more difficult.

At dinner today, we were talking about…something (I don’t even remember what), and my sister began shaking/wiggling, presumably because she was nervous about whatever it was. My mother told her to ‘stop it now,’ which of course, only made it worse, and she eventually worked herself up into a fit (I guess you could almost characterize it as an anxiety attack).

I’ve seen this before with her-- I was asking her to see what she was reading while she was sick and was supposed to be sleeping, and she worked herself up (crying, screaming, protesting).

Earlier this year, at winter break, she wrote a suicide note (though I honestly don’t believe that she meant it) that got to the school principal. As a result, I forced my mother to get her professional help (literally the day before I left for my own school). They’ve been going to see a counselor (who has a Master’s in Professional Counseling or something like that) at a local support house, and they’re now on monthly visits-- except things are worse. My sister is extremely self-conscious, and she was terrified that anybody would find out she’s seeing anybody-- the day after the letter, the principal asked her specifically how she was doing, and she was mortified.

Even talking about going to see the couneslor makes her nervous/upset. In general, she cannot deal with criticism (or ‘mean’ teachers or friends who ‘ignore’ her)-- I was much the same way, but I think I internalized things more than she does. She has ‘self’-diagnosed herself with ADHD (she has recognized that she has trouble concentrating during tests, easily distracted, etc.), and though I’m not sure about that, any suggestion of going to the school gc, again, throws her into a mild anxiety attack because she doesn’t want people to think that there’s something ‘wrong’ with her.

It’s hard for my mother because she’s doing this basically on her own, and there are still very much traces in both parents that ‘she’s just doing this to get pity/faking it/doesn’t really need help.’ My mother actually told her to stop at the dinner table today because ‘she’s faking it.’

I, on the other hand, can see some of the same problems in her that I have today, but I don’t know how to make my parents see that (it’s especially hard because both of my parents have sacrificed a lot so that we are in the neighborhood we are in and things, and typically, any oblique mention of problems I experience (with self-esteem issues, attachment issues (the second more extreme)) they’ll read as a criticism of the way I was raised). And how do I get my sister to understand that help isn’t that there’s something ‘wrong’ with her-- is there a way to get her to recognize that a counselor can help? Part of her attitude is still that there’s ‘nothing’ wrong, and that this ‘isn’t’ for her.

And about 90% of the time, she’s perfectly ‘okay,’ by which I mean she’s happy, but I’m also afraid that as she gets older (we are in a school that is fairly competitive) and enters MS, these problems will get more pronounced (or maybe not).

I’m thinking that perhaps another counselor approached in another way would be helpful, but am I just overreading things? Ideas? Insights?

Thanks.