Which Essay Style Is Better?

StyleSavvy
Wed, 30 Apr 2014 18:07:02 +0000

Hi! I’m taking the SAT again in the next few days and I was wondering which style should I write my Sat essay with. Please tell me which essay you like better, score it, and any tips for improvement would be great.

Essay 1: Prompt from Practice Test One

Extra Information: This is the original essay I wrote for Practice Test One and I didn’t change anything. All my errors are still there! Yea! I used this style on the March SAT and scored a nine.

Style : Start With A Hook, Use A Variety of Syntax, Use College Vocab, Long Length, Stating My Side Immediately, Different Examples, Analytically Tone, Persuasive Style, 5 body Paragraph

Prompt: Many people believe that the government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer or improve schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we can enjoy? And yet expecting that the government - rather than individuals - should always come up with solutions to society’s ills may have made us less self- reliant, undermining our independence and self - sufficiency?

Question: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation on general?

My Response:

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle with its ups and downs. The citizens of the community are too preoccupied with problems and quandaries in their own household to help improve the community. In this decade, people are struggling just to survive, pay their bills, and so on. The majority of the population doesn’t have any extra time to invest into their community. People should not take anymore responsibilities in the process of finding solutions to the community or nation’s issue.

           The government is an assembly of people who has chosen a vocational field in improving their community or nation. They are paid for their time invested in solving their communities issues. People outside of this field shouldn't have to do the government's job. The government is suppose to worry about the people, not the people worrying about themselves. If members of a selected party of government cannot adequently fulfill their job, they should be replace. The government's duty should never be given to the people unless the people usurp the government.

           The government barely provides enough aid and assistance to people especially in underprivellaged communities.  If the people start trying to concur the economic problem themself, them what would happen to them? Those individuals will be forced to neglect other responsibilities like their job, family or school. There would be benefits if individuals try to solve their communities issues, but there's too much to risk. For example, when Martin Luther King J.R. gave his life to improve racial inequality, he lost out on being alive to raise his family. That unfair outcome is just an example of how a person loses out when helping others.

           A lot of good things has came out of people trying to solve their communities or nations problems. If Susan B. Anthony, Al Sharpton, or Clara Barton didn't step up to the plate, our society would not be the way it is today.Thanks to a lot of selfless people, there are more rules in place that makes life a fair and just. Just like Martin Luther King J.R., suffered for his selfless, this people did, too. The hard-working citizens of today are less selfless and are not willing to make the sacrifices that the historical figures listed above did. The people of today put people in offices to take care of the nation, so they can take care of their families and themselves.

            Change occurs when an individual decided to be that change. The change should start with the people who has a position or power. The government is a body filled with individual who are more than capable of contemplating solutions. If the government sufficiently did their job, than communities will improve.



Essay 2: Prompt from Practice Test Six

Extra Information: I seen this style done in the SAT official guide (blue book) and the example they gave scored a six. I want to try to out on my test, but I’m not sure. This is the original essay I wrote for Practice Test Six with all the mistakes and errors intact. And I am having trouble with the ACT, my not as extreme in my essay. I

Style: Start With A Hook, Use A Variety of Syntax, A few College Vocab words, Long Length, States Thesis Right Away, Uses Different Examples with less variety, Hyperbole, Metaphors, Personal Narrative Style, Informative Tone, 5 body Paragraphs

Prompt: The old saying, “be careful what you wish for,” may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a goal can dangerously narrow one’s perspective and encourage fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves towards a goal often find that their lives are worsen once “success” is achieve than they were before.

Question: Can success be disastrous?

My response:

Failure has nothing to do with failing or coming short. Failure reminds me that I am a human being: imperfect, complex, and overzealous. Just like failure, success reminds me of my flaws. Accomplishing a goal is its own reward, but the path I took to accomplish the goal is deadly.

                 When I was studying for my ACT, the consistent failure was the fuel to my success. I tried not to surrender to defeat, but my emotions rebelled against my will. I had thought that my emotions encouraged me to study and contemplate on the ACT longer. The pain of failing was the force that pushed me towards success. Somehow, I had deceived my own-self and paid the ultimate price.

                  Success was the only thing I could even think of for my entire senior year. This idea of "success" had became my vice, weakness, and drug of choice. I fantasized about receiving a score of 31, and using that score to get into University of Michigan with a full scholarship. The thought made me feel elates, ecstatic and esteemed. When I finally took the ACT and received the score, I shattered into a million pieces.

                  I became a self- proclaimed failure, deluded with the melancholy and somber. I showered myself in tears and criticized myself  for my bereft of success. A score of 20 was a death sentence to community college. I was ready to give up on college, my future career, and the prospect of being someone important. I had picked my poison, which was success and mistaken it with failure. I learned that success and failure are like Siamese twins; you can't want without gaining the other.

                  When  I finally achieve the ACT score I wanted, I realized that I spent an entire year obsessing over this test.  My success was suppose to lead me to college, but it made me miserable and stressed. The idea of success had trapped me in a fantasy world and drove me onto a rocky road with no where else to go. Trying to be successful at even the smallest goal comes with a prices, and the price I paid was my happiness and peace. Success was disastrous for me and I'm glad to be relieved from studying for the ACT. I know from experience that the road to success is dangerous and the idea of success is a disaster to obtain.



Please tell me what you think? Is Essay One better than Essay 2? I know that SAT Official Guide said that I could write my essay in any style as long as I answer the prompt. And I wrote both essays in under 25 minutes and I usually run out of room.