Would you check out my essay please?

VandyPrayer
Sun, 11 Jan 2009 23:19:01 +0000

Scrap the whole essay and use only the “I want to see everything my mother hasn’t seen.” Keep the premise. Eject the EC’s. Keep the poem. Rename the title… It’s too generic. And just be yourself man. Type how you speak, but with grammer. Like if I were to write the essay I would say:

And then I watched my mom lay there… silently. She cut her eyes at me and mumbled, “I love you.” As the tears filled my eyes, knowing something was wrong with my mother, I grabbed her hand and tried to reply. My lips didn’t move, maybe they were glued shut from the gum resting in my jaw.

Try to be somewhat INformal.

I wrote eloquently… kinda, and it has a distinct voice.