Younger sibling overshadowed needing ADVICE

binx
Wed, 10 Nov 2004 06:54:46 +0000

I think this is a very common feeling among people of all ages. Will we ever measure up? If you get in the habit of comparing yourself to others, you will always find those “better” and those “worse.” (It’s always subjective, of course.) If you focus on those you think are better, you can become discouraged or feel inadequate. If you focus on those less well off, you can become arrogant and proud. It’s much better if you can learn to (as the Army says) “Be all that You can be” and not worry about others. Easier said than done, of course.

I have three kids, S1, S2, and D. S1 is Ivy, and quite bright. Although S2 and D are also bright, they felt inferior. S2 struggled with this until he found his own strengths, which included music. He is now studying at a conservatory.

Which leaves D, who is bright but probably not Ivy-bound. Who is quite musical as well, but lacks the passion for conservatory study. She is 15, and working at discovering her own passions, and place in the world. She admits to feeling some competitiveness. It takes constant reminders that the world doesn’t need a clone of her brothers; it needs her unique self.

To your specific situation, Every band and orchestra has multiple players. Yes, the “best” get first chair and all the solos. But the music would be very weak indeed if there were only first chairs and no “team players.” It’s a myth that you have to be best in order to justify doing something. Furthermore, the music lovers are not just on the stage – Music lovers are the ones buying tickets and filling the theater, too. The world needs all of them!

If your friend wants to do music and have a chance to shine, suggest that he form his own small ensembles. A woodwind or brass quintet, for example. He may have to create his own opportunities. The people who do get special attention usually get it because their passion is helping to create the opportunities.

Explore other musical paths, too. Music technology. Composition. Drum Major.

And of course, ask the hard question: Is music what he loves, or is he just trying to live up to big bro? If he sees S1 getting strokes at school, at home, he may feel pressure to compete that people don’t realize is there. (I followed a talented older sister through school. When people said “Oh, you’re her sister” I heard something entirely different: “I have expectations for you.” Or, “What a disappointment you are.” Obviously those things weren’t even said, and probably weren’t intended, either.)

He can consider the kinds of things he gets complimented on – academic areas, things such as people skills, creativity, teaching skills, leadership, technical skills, and so on. There are tests out there to help people discover their strengths. Good friends can help, or school counselors.

Good luck!