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Essay Help Please

Colleger222Colleger222 2 replies4 threads New Member
edited July 2016 in University of Wisconsin
Prompt 1:

It wasn't until eighth grade that I began to appreciate teachers and realize the profound impact they have on my life. It all started, when my school went into full lockdown. I can still recall the flurry of emotions on Ms. Sparks face as she ran from window to window closing the blinds and locking the entrances. As each blind emitted a “clink” the room descended into darkness. In a panic, she led us to the corner of the room, far away from the doors or windows. We sat and waited, until our principal finally came on to the intercom: “Everyone, the lockdown is over. We request you remain in your rooms until further dismissal.” The students let out a sad sigh as class would resume until “further dismissal”. Being an immature middle school student, this seemed like an exciting way to get out of math, but it wasn't until after the incident that I understood the emotions behind it. As Ms. Sparks recovered from the ordeal, she talked about how she thought of each of us as her children, and she would only want the best for us. That moment that changed me. After understanding my teachers drive to see me successful, I began to value my education much more. I learned information and processed it, as appose to just spitting it out on tests. However that’s not all I gained, teachers went from just an educational figure, to someone who I can open up to in times where guidance was needed. Someone who would give me genuine advice, and help me through any problems I had. It was then, that school became significant.
Two years later, I found another practical application to communicating with my teachers. My Spanish teacher and I started talking about high school life and pieces of advice to help me become a better student. At first, I viewed this as an opportunity to speak Spanish, but as time continued the advice started to shape who I was. We started by entertaining the possibility of pursuing the IB Diploma, which at the time seemed far out of my comfort zone. After countless hours of discussion, Mrs. Laicer told me “the decision is yours, but DO NOT regret choosing the wrong option later on”. This single quote, impacted my entire high school experience, and taught me to challenge myself in all aspects of life. Teachers became a guiding force, and in some cases, a person who can convey lessons that even my parents sometime fail to teach. From that moment on, I came to realize that teachers have helped to shape the person who I have become. They taught me virtues that I am built on, such as respect, sympathy, and compassion. I see myself gaining further wisdom in college, by communicating with teachers as I did in high school, and seeking their guidance. By doing this, I will push myself to greater heights, and thrive in my environment.

Prompt 2:
Throughout my adolescent years, I have idealized two things: computer programming and skiing; more specifically, the skill of ethical hacking. My fascination of hacking can be traced back to my childhood, as I witnessed security crises unfolding in the computer world. I can recall the specific moment, the CNN news flash appeared with an image of a man who had been charged for hacking into a defense agency. At the time I never really understood what the defense agency or hacking really was; all I knew was that I was captivated by it. As I began to learn more about computer systems, preventing attacks like these intrigued me. The most suitable or preferred method to prevent these attacks, is to hack the system to expose the vulnerabilities. So that’s where I began. I started by surfing hackforums, and learning how I could get some legal practice. Small legal missions provided a training ground for me. The memory of my first hacking my mission of searching the html code to find a password still lingers with me. The excitement and joy of finding that single password just helped further my desire to continue the process of hacking. However, I wasn’t just reaping benefits on the computer screen. I used my programming history to analyze each aspect of a task or problem, not just holistically as before. It taught me, how to manage time and create the most efficient route through a situation.
As for skiing, I could not imagine life without skiing. My passion developed around age 10, and just increased with time. Weekend after weekend, I would pack my skis and a small duffle bag into the trunk of my parents car and head up to the mountains to enjoy the snow. I found this as a sort of motivation, to get through school days. Just knowing I could let go of all problems the second my skis came in contact with the snow seemed like paradise. The snow was the only place where I could balance the emotional stress of school with fun and leisure. In addition to emotional satisfaction, I used skiing as a method to stay in shape before baseball season.
However, due to programming and skiing being in completely different environments, the idea of pursuing two of my favorite activities seemed like an unattainable dream. Despite this, after countless hours I have discovered that perfect bliss, University of Wisconsin- Madison. A perfect blend of fun and work; allowing me to pursue my major at one of the highest ranked computer science schools in the nation, while enjoying the wonderful Mount Horeb with the Hoofers Ski Club.

Can anyone please give me any tips or advice on these I'm in desperate need of help and don't really have many resources to help me
edited July 2016
5 replies
Post edited by Chedva on
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Replies to: Essay Help Please

  • LeylandLeyland 353 replies6 threads Member
    @Colleger222 I hope by now you have found some help with the essays. You are doing the right thing by getting started on these earlier rather than later. It would be more helpful to you if you found someone in your school (guidance counselor, English teacher, etc.) who can review and guide you through the revisions in real time. In general, my opinion is that the first essay has more problems than the second, because I really do not gain any knowledge about how you tick from it. The second essay says a lot more about you.
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  • silmarilsilmaril 377 replies1 threads Member
    Prompt 1 is the unnoticed essay prompt, yes? I am having difficulty pinning down what exactly you're considering as "unnoticed." The essay as a whole is a bit unfocused- the two paragraphs that you have seem to be two separate essays, and I think you're having some trouble balancing "showing" what you learned vs "telling" us what you learned.

    Re: the second essay, like the post above I think this one says a lot more about you as a person. Only suggestion is that I would recommend you to look at some specific aspects of UW's computer science program that interest you- there are plenty of high ranked CS programs in the nation- what specifically about UW intrigues you? Is it the diverse research they have? Volunteer opportunities relating to CS? Job experience? You've done a great job talking about your strengths, now your task is to convince UW that you're extremely interested in complementing your strengths/interests with UW's many opportunities. What can UW do for you that in your opinion other universities can't?

    There are some grammar mistakes that I see, but you're better off asking an English teacher to help you with that.
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  • Colleger222Colleger222 2 replies4 threads New Member
    Thanks to both of you guys for the help, I really appreciate it... Im trying to delete my thread for plagiarism reasons, but thank you sooo much, ill redo the first one and make some revisions in the second one.
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  • Madison85Madison85 10399 replies412 threads Senior Member
    You can ask a mod @skieurope about editing out your posted essays.
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  • skieuropeskieurope 40797 replies7569 threads Super Moderator
    edited July 2016
    You can ask a mod @skieurope about editing out your posted essays.
    Per Terms of Service:
    we cannot delete posts upon request. Doing so would destroy the integrity of our archive and consume a huge amount of manpower. Therefore, please do not post personal data or other information that could prove to be a problem later.
    Even if we did delete the thread, it would still exist in the cache. Once someting is posted to the internet, it's out there forever.

    Having said that, and I have not read the OP's essay, I have seen very few essays posted here that are worth plagiarizing. So the odds are remote the the OP has anything to worry about. However, I am closing this thread, so it will eventually work its way to the back pages.
    edited July 2016
    Post edited by skieurope on
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