I’m a senior looking to apply to highly selective colleges. I have the scores, grades and recs. But the issue is the essays.
I like writing; I’ve gotten As in English courses, won a writing award, been published in Teen Writing anthologies, but my dad doesn’t trust me with my essays.
For every essay, including my Common App one, he surgically edited, calling my essays baseless and telling me my writing is horrible. And he’s continuing to do this for all of the colleges for which I’m writing essays. I’m at the point of pure frustration. My friends and teachers like my essays, but my dad is the dissenter. The essays that I end up with sound purely fake and factual. There’s no tone in them. But I can’t get past him, and he’s threatened to not pay application fees if I don’t let him look at the essays.
What should I do, just give up? I don’t see any point in writing something of which I’m not proud.
I had a similar problem with my parents over-editing. It is difficult for them to be objective and impartial to your writing, and I think a lot of the time parents don’t understand the nature of college essays/what colleges are actually looking for (personality). Absolutely don’t give up applying. Its your future and not his, and don’t send anything you’re not proud of. If you haven’t told him yet how you feel about this, tell them, then if he still wants to edit your essay, if possible, let him edit them but add your own unedited essay when you apply.
Maybe you should tell your father that if he doesn’t let you write your own essay then there is no poont to applying, since he is not going to be writing your essays at college. Call his bluff. If he doesn’t pay, don’t apply. My guess is he wants you to apply otherwise he wouldn’t be trying so hard to micromanage you.
@insula That’s funny. For my Harvard EA app, I planned doing that. I planned to substitute in my Common App essay for the one that he wrote. The thing is, he’s a big control freak, so he was perched over my shoulder for the entire application submission process. When he saw the essay, he freaked out. I told him, clearly, “Your essay sounds like a reiteration of my resume.” He responds, “That’s how it’s supposed to be! Ask your mom.” And my mom nodded blankly, even though she doesn’t know a bit about colleges. He tells me, “It’s 2-1, we’re right.” I still resisted, I cried there. He yelled, and I had submitted it. Luckily, I called Harvard the next day, and the dude said I could upload my real essay through the admission portal and tell them I wanted to replace the other one, so I did. I won’t ever know if my real essay actually replaced that one. So, yeah, also I did tell him that night, “It’s my application, not yours,” and he said that’s the most insulting thing he’s ever heard.
@CorpusChristi I think I can try that, but he’s still a very authoritative parent. I don’t know how he’ll react.
Wow, I’m sorry. That must suck that your dad is literally watching you apply so you can’t do your application how you want to. Is there any way you could ask your counselor to talk to your parents and explain to them how colleges want your essays to be creative and have your voice injected, instead of reading like a resume?
Is he paying for your college? You have to put your foot down sometime, might as well start now. Maybe you need to be willing to go to a state college to show him you mean business.
Can you upload your real essay and submit the apps before he gets home? Then switch it back afterward? I hate to suggest this but he does not sound the least bit reasonable. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Yikes…tough situation for you. Your dad probably really wants the very best chances for you at these colleges, but it sounds like he doesn’t realize how perceptive Admission Officers are as to what is the honest voice of a highschooler vs. the edited text of a parent or consultant.
Idea 1: is there a chance your English teacher would have a meeting with you and your dad to review both your version of the essay and version 2 including dad’s edits. If not your English teacher, maybe guidance counselor or even paid college counselor (that would be best, but costs $$)
Idea 2: make a deal with dad that your version goes to half the schools and edited version goes to the other half. Your dad will assume acceptances come from the edited version and you will hope for acceptances from the other. But you’ve actually covered all bases.
Is your father the type who would actually be willing to listen to anyone else? Are you actually in fear of him for any reason, abuse et cet? If not in fear of anything other than him not paying, you need to draw the line in the sand here and now. Its a hard part of becoming an adult, saying no to your parent when you need to, not to sound preachy. Otherwise your entire college years you will face micro managing and you will never be happy.
@bssurly I thought that I might show him the commonly cited “50 successful Harvard application essays” book, which is available online in an old edition. I think that might show him what good essays look like, and I’m disappointed I didn’t remember that book that night.
@CorpusChristi I’ve pondered that idea. Maybe just stay in-state. I think that every single time I take one of my essays to him and they’re summarily demolished. I’ve even thought, maybe I should just give up in school. But I’ve realized that doing so will limit my own opportunities in the end and not result in anything good for me because I know he won’t change. He’s never changed, not for me, not for my brother. About the abuse, it’s not physical; it’s verbal slanders. “Useless”, “idiot”, etc… I know this happens with a bunch of kids and that my dad is just that way, so it doesn’t really bother me. I just take solace in schoolwork (which is why I think I do well in school) or during late nights when he’s asleep, where I can break free and be myself. The paradox in what you’ve said is a reality I’ve faced and do face. Do I draw the line and risk future opportunities, or do I submit and have a chance of reward? It’s a positive feedback loop. Every weekend, as he edits my essays, the same two options – the same question. Uncertainty builds on the weekdays and it manifests itself on weekends.
@pickpocket Thanks for the comment. I told my dad that my English teacher edited the essays, and he said that my English teacher prob knows nothing because he’s an English teacher, not an Admissions Officer. I don’t know about the deal lol. It could end up worsening things, but thank you very much for the suggestion.
@redpoodles Thanks, could you clarify? I think that once you submit it, it’s quite apparent and he’ll easily be able to tell what was submitted. He already is suspicious of me pulling off another Houdini like I tried to on November 1st.
@WorryHurry411 I said that, he said it’s the most insulting thing he’s heard and that he’ll never forget it.
Based on your description, your dad is unlikely to change soon. You must either submit in order to please him or stand up for yourself. The latter is the appropriate developmental task for you. It won’t feel good but it will feel worse if you delay. Of course you should submit your own essays.
On a positive note, he obviously cares - maybe more about his pride than your development - but he has some skin in your game. I would express appreciation/respect for that but insist that the application process and outcome are your domain.
The issue here doesn’t seem to be whether or not you are proud of them. Be frank with your dad and ask him what is his reasoning behind being so critical. Remind him that applying to and going to college is your experience, not his. While his rationale might be benign (he only wants the best for you), if he’s pushing you to the brink of just giving up, point out that he’s getting the exact opposite reaction he probably intends.
The essays are important, yes. But they are also important that they accurately reflect you, your response and how you communicate. “Surgically edited” essays lose their natural flow; there’s no voice, no narrative.
Man up. Tell your dad you are not going to submit his work. Don’t argue that his are no good, you won’t win that one, but let him no you are submitting your own work, or else. If he doesn’t want you to do that tell him fine, you will go to a CC where they don’t need essays or enlist in the army. Either of those places will take you as you are and daddy doesn’t have to get you in.
This is fraudulent and cheating. He should be ashamed.
In my personal view, you should not give up on anything that you want to do. Go and follow your dreams besides its your life. Parents must be supporting their children not to control them especially if it is for the good of their children’s future.
I agree a call to the GC is on order. In sis your dad attend a meeting, even via phone, and explain that it’s cheating and you could be rescinded. Have to laugh that your dad said the English teacher isn’t an AO. and he is?
Making a snarky or insulting comment to a controlling parent will not end well. Lead from behind- tell him you want to make him proud and you want to have the best outcome possible, but the way to do that is with guidance from experts (guidance counselor, college consultants, etc) and let an adult address him. His micromanaging your essay will not hep your application- it may sound stiff and contrived.
If you cannot get your Dad to accept your writing, you may need to call each school (like you did for Harvard) and explain the situation. Perhaps they’ll all allow you to send separate essays. Unfortunately, you are not alone in this overbearing parent situation. Hang in there.
Another idea, see if you can get application fee waivers. You’d then be able to submit without your Dad paying for the application. I don’t love the idea of going behind his back, but it may work for one or 2 schools. Be careful. You don’t want to risk retaliation.