I’m not a parent - just a student, but I just wanted to say that what my parents did was pretty similar to what @Hoggirl did for her son.
At the beginning of the college search process, my parents explained to me that they would pay $XXX per year for four years (it was already established that I would be paying for grad school on my own). Any money left over would go to me (for summer spending, a future down payment on a home, a car…didn’t matter, they trusted me to spend it wisely). Any gap between what they were willing to pay and tuition would be my responsibility, whether through summer/part-time jobs, loans, or begging my friends for money. That being said, they let me apply to any schools I wanted to, understanding that I might not be able to attend if I got a bad FA package.
I ended up getting into UPenn and Yale. UPenn’s package ended up being ~20k over the amount my parents were willing to pay, so I knew it had to come off the list. No complaining or fuss; I was prepared for that to happen. I was honestly pretty anxious checking Yale’s FA, realizing what a pity it would be if it was also unaffordable. Miraculously, I got enough aid that it cost ~5k less than what my parents were willing to pay! As it is, I may still be tempted by a full-ride to one of my safety schools to save money for grad school.
Anyway, I am SO glad that my parents talked to me about financials before I started applying. A lot of my friends are currently entrenched in battles with their parents about wanting to attend a more expensive school and I feel really lucky that I was able to avoid it all. Trying to shield kids from the financial aspects may be well-intentioned, but ultimately does them a disservice. One of my friends got into UC Berkeley, but probably won’t be able to attend because of finances. She’s frustrated because she feels like she wasted all of her effort applying, and wishes that her parents just told her earlier so that she knew not to bother.