I hated making my bed when I was younger and vowed I would never make my children do it if they didn’t want to. And I have lived up to that.
Can’t say I lived up to my childhood declaration that my children would be allowed to eat candy whenever they wanted or wouldn’t have a bed time!
I also vowed I would not give my children a hard time about a certain situation that my parents handled terribly with me. (I don’t think I’ve ever actually forgiven them for the hurtful things they said.) Yesterday I honored that vow. It was very easy not to say hurtful things, and it kinda makes it harder to understand why my parents reacted the way they did.
So, before you had children, what are the things you vowed you’d do or not do as a parent? Have you stuck with them?
I don’t remember any particular vows I made, but when I was younger, I wished that my parents were more approachable. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to them about things, and they didn’t really talk to me about things. I made it a point as a parent to talk early and often about important things: drugs and alcohol, sexuality, being an ethical person. I was not my childrens’ “friend,” but they felt comfortable talking to me about important things in life. I feel like I have done a good job with keeping the lines of communication open (of course, I am sure there are lots of things they haven’t told me, which is fine).
I do remember one vow, though: I would never force my kids to eat vegetables they didn’t like. I hated broccoli when I was a kid, and I was made to eat it (I hid it on the ledge under the table when I could sneak it there). I did make good on that vow. My kids had to eat vegetables, but I was kind enough to serve them vegetables they liked. Just as I eventually grew to like vegetables I used to detest, my kids have done the same.
I tried to not impose food consumption decisions (either do eat this or don’t eat this) on my children. For the most part, I have succeeded. The grandparents, on both sides, unfortunately did a lot of that. I do not make negative comments about my children’s bodies.
My children’s father and I both silently vowed not to openly push our children academically. (The vow was made silently but we later discussed the issue and discovered we had both made the vow to ourselves.) For the most part, we kept to that. At some point, however, maybe when they were in high school, the children told us, “Yeah, we could tell that doing well in school was important to you, and we felt pressure to succeed and work hard.” I’m sure they would have felt even more pressured if I had opened my mouth on that topic, so I’m glad I didn’t.
I vowed never to ridicule them - I know, seems obvious, but my mother used to tease my brother and it was awful. I vowed to tell them I love them every day and I do. I vowed to let them be themselves, regardless of the opinions of others. So even though my in laws thought it was “ ridiculous “ I got my toddler son the mermaid doll he wanted because it made him so happy to watch her hair fly when he ran! One of my favorite memories!!
Kissing relatives/ family friends I didn’t know or particularly liked…even the family dog didn’t like them…why should I be forced…
I complained loudly at age 2 and no more cajoling by my parents after my protests…cousins still laugh at the remembrance of the sight of me as a baby stamping a foot and saying NO!
I vowed to respect my children as individuals and not feel threatened by their success. My father, in particular, was very controlling and had to be the boss in all situations and I’ve done my best not to do that. I am a much more sensitive person than either of my parents (who are not my biological parents, by the way) and I was made to feel that I was a disappointment to them if I exhibited anger or anything other than what we now call “toxic positivity.” They felt bad because I felt bad; therefore, I wasn’t supposed to in convenience them by feeling bad. I feel that I did a much better job of trying to understand things from my kids’ point of view, and in many ways, they’ve been much more successful in life.
Interesting thread. I don’t think I consciously made any vows but, like the OP, there was one area that we absolutely treated exactly opposite of the household I grew up in. I am still scarred from how my mother handled that issue and would never mess my kid up that way. It gives me pleasure to see how “normal” he is in that area.
I always thought that, as an adult, I would eat entire bowls of cake batter instead of just getting to lick the spoon or the beaters which my mother almost cleaned before handing to me. Still haven’t gotten around to that, but was very indulgent with kiddo and tastings. In my kitchen, I always winked and told the little guy, “Here, taste this. We need to make sure it’s not poison before serving it to dad.” Now the tables are turned and he says, “Here, mom, taste this…” We always laugh, and I love that.
And 1,000 likes to not being forced to kiss relatives or anyone you don’t know or care for or imposing food consumption decisions.
On the no bedtime/staying up all night front, I now realize that forced bedtime was one way to carve out a bit of kid-free sanity in the day. I used to wonder just how early is too early to force a kid to go to bed…?
When I was young, our grade school would host open class nights where the students could show off their work to parents. I remember year after year making sure my desk area was clean and that my best work was arranged on my desktop. I remember waiting with pride for my parents arrival. Every year my mom was there beaming at my accomplishments. But my dad never made it - always working. I guess those were different times, but I vowed that when I was a parent I would always make it to school open house events, and I have. My wife and I have always attended these events. Proud to say I even attended my son’s first poster session at Stanford.
One thing I learned as a parent is to have a softer view of my own parents. They did the best they could. They kept me fed, warm and prepared for life as independent person.
The little things or sacrifices they made for me, I tended to view only from my preservative. And I attached to these situations as negative behaviors, but they are in fact an illusion, a story I created of how things should be and led to resentment. I created this myself.
Once eased up on the judgement pedal, life got a lot lighter for me. And I saw my parents with a new pair of glasses. And my stories about their failings faded away.
My dad was upset when i had a minor car accident as a teen. Then, in my 40’s, I was hit turning into my neighborhood. I was upset he went to look at the car before coming over to me. He didn’t mean badly. After the accident , he left his car with me so I could drive to work. He gave the talk about getting back on the saddle.
Still, I wanted to be more supportive to my son. As a teen, he caused an accident. It was minor and didn’t effect his insurance rating. My first question concerned his well-being, and that of his friend. I called the friends parents. A few years later, he had an accident in a parking lot, hitting a post. I never yelled. I reminded him that when I was visiting him at T-day, I too hit a post in a garage. I mentioned how we didn’t have those small posts in our area.
It is upsetting enough to be in a car accident. No one needs to be made to feel more guilty. ( I should add that no drugs were involved in any of these incidents. ).
I determined never to value one food over another ( no ice cream till you’ve eaten your peas) or to require my kids to eat anything ever if they didn’t want to. My kids’ friends who came to meals at our house were usually pretty surprised to hear me say, “Just eat what you want.”
My own mother was really into punishing via the “silent treatment” and later just disconnecting/abandoning (not returning calls, “never talking to…again”) and I made a vow I would not follow that path. Even when my (now adult) D pushed so hard I felt like I wanted to disconnect, I never did, and I actually told her I wasn’t going to…ever. And I haven’t. And I won’t. I want that path and behavior broken. Unfortunately, my own brother seems to be hellbent on following the path of our mother, and it truly breaks my heart.
I vowed I would never be the “go-between” person. Growing up, my dad would tell my mom why he was upset at us, and then she would relay the news. If DH had an issue with the kids, I would tell him to talk to them directly. Even now, my dad will say to me, “Could you talk to Mom about exercising?” Uh, no, Dad, sorry…
I vowed to never significantly change my child’s room or “clean” it once they were old enough to care, since it is their space. I have lived up to that and their rooms are messy but not dirty. Both have doors that close quite well.
I have not done as well as I would have liked with assigned chores. Their lives are so scheduled and they simply do things when asked. It all gets done.
I, too, vowed I would never make my kids make their beds. Sometimes, I think it was not the right thing to do. D’s bf’s mom is lovely but a neat freak and kind of OCD. I visited her home as a guest for a week and feel like spent half the time worrying about picking up after myself and the other half actually picking up! I came home and made sure my sons know how to make the beds in case they are ever invited anywhere.
The one thing I do regret is not pushing them academically. I swore that I wouldn’t be that “what happened to the other point?” parent when a 99 was achieved on a test, which is the way I was raised. I regret not forcing them to take harder classes and letting them go out with HW undone on weekends in HS. None of them has lived up to the promise of their native intelligence and I feel that it’s my fault for not pushing them harder.
My mother would stop a conversation with me whenever I said something “disrespectful.” This bothered me intensely because it often happened when I was trying to tell her things that were important to me, and I didn’t have the social skills to express myself in a way that was both accurate and respectful.
I vowed that I would never do that to my kids. I would let them say anything they wanted to say. I might explain that something was rude, but I would not cut them off.
My mother also used every meal that I shared with her as an opportunity to teach and enforce table manners – something I had great difficulty with because I’m clumsy. I hated eating meals with her (but liked them just fine when my grandmother, who did not consider teaching her responsibility, was in charge).
I vowed that I would be less intense about teaching table manners and would actually allow my kids to enjoy eating at least sometimes.
I kept both vows. I don’t know whether it mattered to my kids. I do know, though, that my now-grown son’s table manners are not optimal and that he sometimes says things that may offend the person he’s talking to. This is probably an unfortunate side effect of my vows. My daughter doesn’t seem to have the same problems, but she recognized very early that I have poor social skills and has made a point of learning those things from other sources.
I vowed to make sure my kids knew that I loved them (I tell them often, and I mean it). I tried hard to treat them with respect, modeling how I’d want them to treat me. And vowed I’d encourage and support them to pursue their interests for ECs and careers, not try to force them like my parents did.
I felt I was a nusiance to my parents, and was never the kind of frilly, feminine daughter they wanted. I have a completely different and better relationship with my kids.
Oh, and I try hard not to correct my kids’ grammar in the middle of a story. My mom did this, and it made me nuts. It felt like she wasn’t listening.
The things we vow to do and not do as parents are not necessarily the result of negative lessons from parents. My parents were very hands-off about academic achievements but they still raised four high-achieving, hard-working children. That was the source of my “I’m not going to push my kids in school” vow. I also observed my parents doing things that I’m sure didn’t come naturally to them, because of discovering that the “old ways” weren’t working well. I highly admire them for doing so. In contrast, my ex-husband’s father has been stuck for decades, if not his entire life, in some very dysfunctional behaviors. It’s hard for me to believe that he ever intended his being a bully to bring out the best in his children and grandchildren.