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I’ve been in college for more than a month now and haven’t found friends

Cjesusinme1Cjesusinme1 118 replies59 threads Junior Member
I’m getting depressed because of this. Everyone seems to get their own clicks and having their own group but I am just left alone. I have some students that I consider good people but we don’t do anything together outside of class. I’m a bit shy and it’s really getting on me. I am a good person, it’s just I’m a bit awkward and boring. I’m a bit sad about this.
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Replies to: I’ve been in college for more than a month now and haven’t found friends

  • LindagafLindagaf 10137 replies561 threads Senior Member
    Please read this pinned post, ideally all of it: https://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc-p1.html

    I wrote it because my daughter sounds just like you. She's now a happy junior. Read the post. Give it time.
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  • TheGreyKingTheGreyKing Forum Champion Williams College 2238 replies104 threads Forum Champion
    Just want to add to lindagaf’s excellent link—

    Remember that everyone is trying to make friends. You are not alone.

    Show up at social gatherings/ parties, or ask a stranger in the dining hall if you can join him/her for a meal. Introduce yourself and start a conversation about your dorms, your homes, your potential majors, your current classes. This will not be perceived as weird, but as friendly, among other freshmen looking for friends. If you prefer a small group, join a club. And reach out to some of those “good people” you mentioned—walk out of class and talk with them as you walk together, or go to lunch with them after class. Ask if they want to meet later that day for a meal or to study.

    (And if you find this hard, there are counselors who will help freshmen get ready for such interactions.)

    Good luck!
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  • LindagafLindagaf 10137 replies561 threads Senior Member
    Volunteer, get a job on campus, or get involved in the campus ministry. Those are all great ways to meet people that don't involve the "artificiality" of clubs and the like.
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  • OhWhatsHerNameOhWhatsHerName 785 replies31 threads Member
    It takes time. You’ve been in college for a month right now. A month where people are still adjusting and getting comfortable—even the ones who’ve been there for years. Really, it takes time to find and develop meaningful friendships.

    Do something on campus that’s meaninfhom to you. Something you enjoy and that makes you feel fufilled. Maybe you’ll make friends that way. Be open and persistent. But really, it takes time.

    I didn’t meet my best friend until end of spring semester, and I still consider that early as my friendships kept developing from there. It takes time.

    You think everyone else has friends right now, but really most of those won’t stick. I don’t know why it is, but a lot of first college friend groups disintegrate as people pursue other interests and find different tribes. Don’t give up, there’s people waiting for you.

    It just takes time.
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  • Cjesusinme1Cjesusinme1 118 replies59 threads Junior Member
    @OhWhatsHerName , I understand that, but the way things are going seems to not lead in that direction. My social life deteriorating day after day and if this continues, I’ll end up being a loner. This is making me miserable!
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  • LindagafLindagaf 10137 replies561 threads Senior Member
    edited September 2018
    So do something about it. Did you read the pinned posts? Are you going to volunteer or get a campus job? Are you going to visit the counseling center on campus, so you can learn to cope until things settle down? Very often, it takes about six weeks for things to even out. By then kids have settled into a routine, become more relaxed, and the early groups of nervous "friends" start drifting apart into new friendships with others. You are not going to be a loner if you don't want to be. You still need to give things time.
    edited September 2018
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  • Cjesusinme1Cjesusinme1 118 replies59 threads Junior Member
    Yes, I am going to volunteer, but I know for sure that won’t help me make friends as I’ll be the only one volunteering there.
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  • retiredfarmerretiredfarmer 1149 replies3 threads Senior Member
    Did you participate in ECs in high school? Were you in any clubs? These activities can play a very important role here and you DO HAVE TIME to participate. Participation is an important part of learning. It makes the rest easier and friendship follows.

    My roommate Freshman year was a nice enough guy, but we did not click. I liked to run, met other runners and the conversations started. You don't need to be the football captain!
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  • LeaveQuestionerLeaveQuestioner 3 replies1 threads New Member
    edited September 2018
    I'm sorta in a similar situation. Did you click with your floormates? I think that's how a lot of people make friends at first. Also volunteering/participating in ECs/doing your normal routine etc might help but idk. It's just really hard for us... It really involves a bit of luck.

    I don't really have any advice for you other than to not let this depress you too much. If you get too much anxiety from it, it makes it worse! I've gotten depressed from feeling so damn lonely and didn't do homework for a while and now I'm behind a LOT. Don't let this happen to you.
    edited September 2018
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  • LindagafLindagaf 10137 replies561 threads Senior Member
    Then volunteer somewhere else where there will be other people. Volunteer in two places, if you need to.
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  • OhWhatsHerNameOhWhatsHerName 785 replies31 threads Member
    Even if it doesn’t help you make best friends, the human interactions will help you.

    What about an on-campus job? Even approaching people at the dining hall and asking if you could sit with them?
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  • Cjesusinme1Cjesusinme1 118 replies59 threads Junior Member
    The problem is that I am super shy even though I don’t want to be. The only extracurricular I do is making music, which doesn’t need any other person to engage with me. My roommate is a sophomore so we don’t have anything to talk about. We are completely two different people. I’m not good at socializing even though I really want to.
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 24045 replies18 threads Senior Member
    How about an intramural team? Or sign up for tennis lessons. Or volunteer at a Habitat for Humanities build. Go talk to the student (often an RA) working the desk in your dorm and ask what happening this weekend.

    Go to office hours for a professor and see if anyone from a class wants to start a study group, or if the prof knows of one.
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  • LindagafLindagaf 10137 replies561 threads Senior Member
    My D was super shy. She ultimately wanted friends more than she wanted to be on her own. Shy people socialize, have friends, work, get married, etc... Be brave for one minute and say hi to someone. Add another minute every day. Just a few minutes a day makes a difference. You can't think "I'm shy, so I'm unable to do this."
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  • collegemom3717collegemom3717 7420 replies76 threads Senior Member
    Freelance study groups are another good way to get to know people. It takes getting up the courage to ask people, and accepting that a lot of them will say no, and not taking that personally. Depending on the subject*, meeting to do problem sets, study for a test, review material, etc. It gives you a finite, joint activity. You don't have to be good at socializing, and you don't have to be good at that subject- you just have to want to be better at it. Study buddies might or might not become close friends, but it gets you started knowing people.

    From your other threads you struggle with depression already. Are you doing anything about that now (counseling, medication?). Do you have regular scheduled contacts with family / old friends?

    *update- looks as if you are doing science- that is *great*! there are always problem sets / quizzes / labs that need doing. Pick a specific thing- new problem set, for example. Ask the people sitting near you 'hey, maybe a couple of us could work on this problem set together- are you interested in joining?'. It's low stakes. Also, look for people who are in more than 1 of your science classes. Easy opening- hey, we are in X class together as well! what did you think of that last quiz? Look for the other science majors in the areas you are interested in- you will be spending more and more time together over the next 4 years. In 1st year / 1st semester there are a lot of people taking science classes as pre-reqs. The actual science majors start to bond together by the end of sophomore year, when everybody has declared their major.
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  • NorthernMom61NorthernMom61 4179 replies30 threads Senior Member
    edited September 2018
    Try this every time you go to the dining hall. Look for someone else sitting alone. Don't make a judgement about them based on appearance (race, gender, clothes, hai, etc). Simply assume that they might feel lonely. Approach, ask if anyone is sitting there and if you can join them. Start a quiet friendly conversation about anything. Do this like maybe you wish others would do with you. Do it at every meal that you are alone and you are bound to meet some people who you might click with.

    Nothing will change if you are unhappy and don't try anything different. Also, it won't change overnight no matter what you do. It takes time.
    edited September 2018
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  • lostaccountlostaccount 5331 replies90 threads Senior Member
    edited September 2018
    You've been in college for a month and it seems like a long time. Everyone around you seems like they have life long friends already. You feel closed out. Those are illusions. At the start of college most students are freaked about not making friends, being out of their comfort zone and being away from their usual support systems. So many glom onto others to avoid the angst and in an attempt to develop a social network. This leaves those who don't do that feeling like they have been left out.

    But, if you were to talk with those same students 4 years later you'd find that few retained friendships with the people they hung with in the first few weeks of college. The social groups are far more fluid than they appear to be from the outside looking in. So the key is not to panic. Oddly enough, those who had the richest social circles prior to college are often the ones who experience the most social angst in the early weeks of college. That's because they are so used to having a wide circle of support and friends to hang with. But they are often also the ones who were confident and socially adept so they do develop strong social networks that are meaningful for them and that persist-often skipping the glomming on period-it just doesn't happen as quickly as they'd like. The key is not to obsess over it and, as others note, to be involved fully in the activities that you have access to-at a level that will still allow you to devote the necessary time to your courses.
    edited September 2018
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