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Hard Lesson Learned from a Broken Hearted Helicopter Parent
sbgal2011
276 replies21 threads Junior Member
Hindsight is 20/20, and as I sit here with a heavy heart and teary eyes, I can say that I have to accept a lot of blame. Check my old post from a year ago or so, and you will see that my son, who just completed his freshman year in college, was immature in high school and did just enough to get by. Smart kid, but lazy. Enter Mom... I checked the high school's website daily and made sure he completed his homework, studied for tests, etc. Nag, nag, nag. He was too smart to fail, and there was no way I was going to let him blow his future. I'm doing what's best for him, I told myself, because he will thank me once he's in college. It will all pay off in the long run!
But it didn't. He was so excited to go to college, and he quickly made friends. He liked his classes - loved his professors - all was great! Until the work started piling up. Read this, write that, study-study-study! He wanted very little to do with it. It was all about the fun, and doing just enough to get by. He pledged a fraternity, started partying too much - you know the story. It's cliche, but it fits him like a glove. I wasn't there to nag him anymore, and without mom to keep him straight...he veered.
So now here we are, one year and $25,000 later. DS just informed me that college isn't for him. He's moving near his college, will stay with friends, and work at a grocery store. That way he can continue to have his fun, not deal with mom and dad house rules, which he thinks will help him grow and mature.
So here is my hindsight lesson - let them fail in high school. Let them get a Zero on their homework, flunk a test, and fail a class, even if it means summer school in order to graduate. LET THEM FAIL!!!! They won't get into college, but then again, they weren't ready for it anyway. As a parent, I wanted it so badly for my son, and he wanted it to, but he didn't want to work for it. So I helped him work for it. And it backfired. It taught him nothing. But it taught me a great deal, just a few years too late.
My lesson isn't limited to academics. I should not have done all the research of colleges. He wouldn't have done it, but then again, he would have ended up in the same place he is now, so it wouldn't have mattered. Let them go to community college until they are mature and motivated enough to work for it themselves.
I never dreamed I would be the helicopter parent that I have become. My parents certainly weren't that way. I did the research for colleges, looked into potential majors -all back in the 1980's when there was no internet. My parents had no part in it, not because they weren't interested, but because it was my responsibility to do it. And yet I plunged right in with my son because I wanted it so badly for him - much more than he wanted it for himself. And now he's continuing down the path of immaturity, leaving behind the shattered dreams that were once mine and mine alone.
68 replies But it didn't. He was so excited to go to college, and he quickly made friends. He liked his classes - loved his professors - all was great! Until the work started piling up. Read this, write that, study-study-study! He wanted very little to do with it. It was all about the fun, and doing just enough to get by. He pledged a fraternity, started partying too much - you know the story. It's cliche, but it fits him like a glove. I wasn't there to nag him anymore, and without mom to keep him straight...he veered.
So now here we are, one year and $25,000 later. DS just informed me that college isn't for him. He's moving near his college, will stay with friends, and work at a grocery store. That way he can continue to have his fun, not deal with mom and dad house rules, which he thinks will help him grow and mature.
So here is my hindsight lesson - let them fail in high school. Let them get a Zero on their homework, flunk a test, and fail a class, even if it means summer school in order to graduate. LET THEM FAIL!!!! They won't get into college, but then again, they weren't ready for it anyway. As a parent, I wanted it so badly for my son, and he wanted it to, but he didn't want to work for it. So I helped him work for it. And it backfired. It taught him nothing. But it taught me a great deal, just a few years too late.
My lesson isn't limited to academics. I should not have done all the research of colleges. He wouldn't have done it, but then again, he would have ended up in the same place he is now, so it wouldn't have mattered. Let them go to community college until they are mature and motivated enough to work for it themselves.
I never dreamed I would be the helicopter parent that I have become. My parents certainly weren't that way. I did the research for colleges, looked into potential majors -all back in the 1980's when there was no internet. My parents had no part in it, not because they weren't interested, but because it was my responsibility to do it. And yet I plunged right in with my son because I wanted it so badly for him - much more than he wanted it for himself. And now he's continuing down the path of immaturity, leaving behind the shattered dreams that were once mine and mine alone.
Replies to: Hard Lesson Learned from a Broken Hearted Helicopter Parent
No parent does everything right so don't kick yourself for things you would do differently. At this point your son must start to take responsibility for his life.
And perhaps a little perspective from a high school teacher, who has dealt with varying levels of immaturity for 30+ years in the classroom.
By pushing your son to get a high school diploma, you ensured that he could have the future he chose. You couldn't ensure that his choice would match yours, but you and I both know that, without that high school diploma, his options were severely limited.
Nope, he's not at the level of maturity of so many of the kids here on CC.. or at least what strangers here would have us think. But he's like so many kids!!! Not everyone hits their stride on schedule by age 18. Not every kid is ready for college at this point. But you nagged and pushed and helped, and now he'll have options. You gave him the gift of options. And down the road sometime, he'll look back, realize it, and appreciate all you did on his behalf.
I'm one of 5 siblings. Of us 5, only 2 graduated from college "on schedule." One got a GED, another stopped going to CC without telling our parents.. Now, 40 years or so years later, all of us have college degrees, and I think 3 of us have our Masters.
And I'm teaching summer school to a kid like your son, but whose parents didn't push. He takes a makeup final this week. If he doesn't pass, he doesn't get a diploma this weekend, it's as simple as that.
I know you want the best for your son; we all want that for our kids. And you and I both know that the easiest path is to just attend classes, do the work, and get the degree. But, contrary to the belief around here, kids are stupid. Sorry to any teens reading this, but it's the truth. They simply can't see the forest for the trees. Look at all the posts from kids here who were smart enough to take a bazillion AP classes, and are now posting by the droves, asking whether they'll be rescinded by some great colleges... they played too much and studied too little, and are now dealing with the possibility of not going to the colleges they've been accepted to.
Your son will learn soon enough that it's tough to live the good life on minimum wage. And that if you don't get your tush out of bed and attend work, you don't just fail; you get fired.
The good news is that he has a mom who loves him enough to hurt for him. When things go south with his new plan, he'll have you to offer an adult perspective, and to remind him of those options. There's no age limit on college; he can decide in 6 months or a year or two that he made a mistake and re-apply. Only this time, of course, it will be on his dime. And that's OK... one course at a time, he'll get it done. He'll see what you have, and realize that the path to the life you've been able to provide for him is with an education and the job it can get him.
Big picture: he did no lasting harm. He wasn't arrested, no one is pregnant, he's just a dumb kid who blew a great opportunity. He'll learn from it, and find his way.
You are where you are now. You can love him for who he is and support his efforts as he finds his way. You can listen (if he shares with you. ) We are not all on the same time table. You may not share the same dreams. But at some point, he will realize that you wanted the best for him and you believed in his ability to achieve. That's a great gift in and of itself.
There is one thing I'd ask if he were my son. Was it his choice to leave college? I'd make sure he's not running from a bad GPA or academic probation. Those things are fixable, but sometimes kids are too embarrassed to tell their parents they failed.
Your son isn't moving home to crash on your couch. He's arranged for a place to live and has a job. Those are good things. I hope he's living with other college kids. It won't be long before they're talking about internships and jobs. That may motivate him to think about his future. However, before he moves make sure you're clear about what you'll pay for and what you won't. If he were my son, I'd pay for health insurance, doctor's visits, and prescriptions. I wouldn't pay for a car (insurance, registration, gas, or repairs), rent, food, cell phone, or personal expenses. He should have those costs in front of him now so he can start saving.
I agree with post #2 that living on minimum wage may give your son a new perspective and appreciation for going back to school. He just needs a bit of growing up first.
Hugs to you!
I have one who breezed through. I have one I'm pushing and pulling through and when I told her to take her time but that it was her money paying for the extra semester, she decided she wanted to hurry and finish, so is taking some summer classes to be able to graduate in December (8 semesters).
I bet in 2 years you'll be back to tell us that everything worked out.
This is NOT advice to the OP, just my opinion: I'm a little more hard-hearted than the other posters on this thread. If my kid drops out of college, barring any medical reason, I won't be paying for her tuition when she decides to go back. I'd be okay with her taking a reduced course load as long as she was staying in the game and doing okay. Or if she went back and we could afford it, we might reimburse her for a class here and there AFTER she proved she passed it. The greatest gift DH and I can give her is a good education. But another great gift is to be a minimal burden on her in our retirement. So while we've simultaneously been saving for both, we won't be "young" (middle age - shh!) forever. At some point the focus has to be entirely on our retirement.
I have a friend whose son started college, then went to Egypt for a while, and never went back as scheduled. After about 3 years, she took the money she'd saved for his college and rolled it back into the general family funds. He never went to college and is 40 and doing just fine.
“My overwhelming love for my kid led me to do too much for him. Still, i did make sure he had a chance. And if he matures, his prospects are not ruined bc he graduated HS. And on the bright side, though he dropped out of College, he insists on going out on his own, and won’t be hanging around home playing video games and mooching off me!”
You said it right. It is the death of your dream. Not his. For now...he’ll mature and make better choices. Now you just have to watch from afar.
You are a good mom. Don’t beat yourself up. Be a bit proud that he is going out on his own, and did not waste more of your money before he decided;)
However, it does not sound to me like your son is going to work in a grocery store for the next 20 years. I think that the chances are very good that in a year or two, maybe less, he is going to understand why so many students want to go to university. Assuming that he does return within two or three or four years, he is likely to be a much stronger student for having the time bagging groceries to teach him some perspective on life.
Of course, it is also possible that in a year or two he will decide that he wants to be an electrician, go to trade school, and ten years from now he will be running his own business with 3 or 4 employees.
I feel for you. However, life is not a race and I do think that this is very likely to come out well in the end.