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How do you deal with overnight guests when there is not room for all?

HoggirlHoggirl 2226 replies220 threads Senior Member
edited July 2019 in Parent Cafe
I’m not sure if this is a question or more of a vent.

Last year mil and ds both came for Thanksgiving. Fil passed away last August, so mil came and spent eight nights with us. Ds spent four or five - one day beyond when mil was here- she came much earlier.

We live in a 2 BR/2 BA condo, and I must say, that having grandmother and grandson here at the same time never occurred to me when we did our big downsize. Fortunately, we have friends in the building who traveled last year for Thanksgiving, so we put ds up in their unit, using it as overflow. It worked out great because they were able to use our unit as overflow for their family at Christmas when *we* were traveling. However, we (and they) aren’t sure if they are traveling this year for Thanksgiving or not. So, we may be able to use their unit again, but we may not. If we cannot use their unit, we will have to rent something.

Undoubtedly, mil will have a longer visit than ds will. Dh feels like asking mil to stay elsewhere will “hurt her feelings.” Since her visit will be longer, it would also cost us more to put her up than ds. TBH, I am hoping she doesn’t stay quite as long this visit, but I imagine she will. I think she feels like she has to stay awhile to get “value” out of her flight cost. The length of her stay is another issue. Anyway, it kind of bugs me that dh’s mother gets to “trump” ds. I’m not sure why as ds did stay in the friend’s condo last year. However, it is on-site. We would do our best to get something that was at least in walking distance. We can’t rent another unit in our building because the minimum rental period here is 30 days. I guess I didn’t anticipate that not having ds under our roof at Thanksgiving was going to be an ongoing issue. It’s just sort of this forgone conclusion she will always be spending TG with us from now on.

I guess my question is - Should this bother me? I will add that I do, for the most part, enjoy my mother-in-law. It’s just that ds is now on the opposite coast, and we see him less frequently than we see mil.

Also, as a more general question - how long do you have guests in your home? The max we have ever stayed with anyone (including in-laws) has been four nights.
edited July 2019
114 replies
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Replies to: How do you deal with overnight guests when there is not room for all?

  • CottonTalesCottonTales 1602 replies27 threads Senior Member
    I have stayed at my D and SIL's apartment on an air mattress on the living room floor for 3 nights at a time. Their apartment is 693 sq feet, so that is the only option. We move the coffee table and the inflating and deflating takes 5 minutes each. No big deal, IMO. Would your son be opposed to doing that?
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  • twoinanddonetwoinanddone 25251 replies20 threads Senior Member
    When we were little and had company, we were evicted from our rooms and the company got to stay in them. It was couches or the floor for us (or the guest would stay in the nice 'girls' room and we'd oust our little brothers from their beds).

    I think your MIL should get the nice guest room and your son should make due with an air mattress, an AIRB&B, or whatever you can figure out. Our neighbor does airb&b and we've thought of that as overflow, but for now we just make do with couches.
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  • MomofJandLMomofJandL 2137 replies41 threads Senior Member
    I don't know if it should bother you, but it would bother me. Different families have different traditions and expectations, but I would want my kid in the condo with me, and parents/in-laws at a hotel. Airbeds only go so far, I need privacy, not just a place to sleep.
    Worth bringing up to your DH and DS, maybe they have some ideas. Does your DH have siblings, or is your MIL yours alone for holidays?
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  • SybyllaSybylla 5117 replies61 threads Senior Member
    Your DS will have a partner at some point to whom you will be the MIL to. I cannot imagine my kids being bothered by an air mattress in the living room especially as the olds go to bed early, in order for their grandma to be comfortable. Kid can use your room as a bolt hole outside of when you are in bed., and use your bathroom?
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  • maya54maya54 2676 replies100 threads Senior Member
    Unless it’s an emergency I don’t stay in other peoples homes. I can not stand being a house guest. When we went to visit my brother in law the first time his wife was like “We feel so badly that you don’t want to stay with us” and I just said sorry you feel that way but this is not negotiable for me. She eventually got it. As for guests, I really don’t like them and my kids would always come first. I’d say sorry this is simply no room. We are happy to find you a hotel. Or you can come at a different time
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  • Nrdsb4Nrdsb4 18205 replies164 threads Senior Member
    Unless it’s an emergency I don’t stay in other peoples homes. I can not stand being a house guest.

    In general, we don't stay in other peoples' homes either. My D's inlaws always stay with them on an inflatable mattress, all sharing one bathroom for days at a time. We do not. We want and require more privacy than that (DH had extensive colon cancer surgery-he doesn't have a colostomy bag, but suffice to say that nonetheless he has privacy requirements that make anything other than a separate bedroom and ensuite bathroom a non-starter).

    As to the OP's scenario, I don't think there is one right answer here. It really depends on the specific family dynamics. We don't kick our kids out of their own bedrooms, but if it were a given that an elderly woman was going to stay with us, I'd likely give her the bedroom. But that doesn't really mean anything really, because I'm not the OP with her unique situation.
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  • MarianMarian 13230 replies83 threads Senior Member
    Might your son actually prefer to stay elsewhere? Lots of people do. It doesn't sound like he objected to last year's arrangement. Maybe he actually liked it (especially if the alternative was an air mattress in the living room).
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  • maya54maya54 2676 replies100 threads Senior Member
    edited July 2019
    Definitely do not consider my mother to be my immediate family. Have not done so since I got married. For those of you who do you stay as house guests in other peoples homes do you enjoy it? Do you do it simply because it’s cheaper or more convenient? To me it’s just a small form of torture. Did it when I was young and then said never again.
    edited July 2019
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  • HoggirlHoggirl 2226 replies220 threads Senior Member
    @Marian - I really don’t know what his preference is. It doesn’t really matter at this point since we are going to have to farm him out if he comes. An air mattress was never an alternative - no room. We were uncertain at one point last year if our friends were going to depart before ds arrived. Dh said we could put ds on the couch. I reeled at this idea and said, “No way,” even though it would have only been for one night. The timing worked out perfectly with our friends last year, but I would have insisted we get ds a place somewhere else - even for one night. It’s one thing to make a 12-year-old (or even a college kid) sleep on a couch. I’m not doing that to my young adult ds.
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