Introducing Kai!
Your College Confidential guide bot.
Kai can provide tips and support as you research and apply to colleges, and explore majors and careers.
Want to know how a college REALLY decides who gets in? Jeff Selingo author of "Who Gets In and Why: A Year Inside College Admissions" spills the tea in our forums and will be answering your questions. Get yours answered now!
Get all the info you need to know to complete the FAFSA during our LIVE webinar Thursday, Sept 24, at 7pm ET. Hear from financial aid experts on deadlines, what documents you will need, and how your info will be used to calculate aid. REGISTER NOW and share your questions.
PARENTS4PARENTS: AfroPuffMom is the mother of two boys, a college junior and a high school junior. She has extensive experience reviewing applications for high-achieving, first-generation students. ASK HER ANYTHING!
Make sure to check out our September Checklist for HS Seniors. Consult these quick resources to get you started on the process this month.
How do you deal with overnight guests when there is not room for all?
Hoggirl
2226 replies220 threads Senior Member
I’m not sure if this is a question or more of a vent.
Last year mil and ds both came for Thanksgiving. Fil passed away last August, so mil came and spent eight nights with us. Ds spent four or five - one day beyond when mil was here- she came much earlier.
We live in a 2 BR/2 BA condo, and I must say, that having grandmother and grandson here at the same time never occurred to me when we did our big downsize. Fortunately, we have friends in the building who traveled last year for Thanksgiving, so we put ds up in their unit, using it as overflow. It worked out great because they were able to use our unit as overflow for their family at Christmas when *we* were traveling. However, we (and they) aren’t sure if they are traveling this year for Thanksgiving or not. So, we may be able to use their unit again, but we may not. If we cannot use their unit, we will have to rent something.
Undoubtedly, mil will have a longer visit than ds will. Dh feels like asking mil to stay elsewhere will “hurt her feelings.” Since her visit will be longer, it would also cost us more to put her up than ds. TBH, I am hoping she doesn’t stay quite as long this visit, but I imagine she will. I think she feels like she has to stay awhile to get “value” out of her flight cost. The length of her stay is another issue. Anyway, it kind of bugs me that dh’s mother gets to “trump” ds. I’m not sure why as ds did stay in the friend’s condo last year. However, it is on-site. We would do our best to get something that was at least in walking distance. We can’t rent another unit in our building because the minimum rental period here is 30 days. I guess I didn’t anticipate that not having ds under our roof at Thanksgiving was going to be an ongoing issue. It’s just sort of this forgone conclusion she will always be spending TG with us from now on.
I guess my question is - Should this bother me? I will add that I do, for the most part, enjoy my mother-in-law. It’s just that ds is now on the opposite coast, and we see him less frequently than we see mil.
Also, as a more general question - how long do you have guests in your home? The max we have ever stayed with anyone (including in-laws) has been four nights.
114 replies Last year mil and ds both came for Thanksgiving. Fil passed away last August, so mil came and spent eight nights with us. Ds spent four or five - one day beyond when mil was here- she came much earlier.
We live in a 2 BR/2 BA condo, and I must say, that having grandmother and grandson here at the same time never occurred to me when we did our big downsize. Fortunately, we have friends in the building who traveled last year for Thanksgiving, so we put ds up in their unit, using it as overflow. It worked out great because they were able to use our unit as overflow for their family at Christmas when *we* were traveling. However, we (and they) aren’t sure if they are traveling this year for Thanksgiving or not. So, we may be able to use their unit again, but we may not. If we cannot use their unit, we will have to rent something.
Undoubtedly, mil will have a longer visit than ds will. Dh feels like asking mil to stay elsewhere will “hurt her feelings.” Since her visit will be longer, it would also cost us more to put her up than ds. TBH, I am hoping she doesn’t stay quite as long this visit, but I imagine she will. I think she feels like she has to stay awhile to get “value” out of her flight cost. The length of her stay is another issue. Anyway, it kind of bugs me that dh’s mother gets to “trump” ds. I’m not sure why as ds did stay in the friend’s condo last year. However, it is on-site. We would do our best to get something that was at least in walking distance. We can’t rent another unit in our building because the minimum rental period here is 30 days. I guess I didn’t anticipate that not having ds under our roof at Thanksgiving was going to be an ongoing issue. It’s just sort of this forgone conclusion she will always be spending TG with us from now on.
I guess my question is - Should this bother me? I will add that I do, for the most part, enjoy my mother-in-law. It’s just that ds is now on the opposite coast, and we see him less frequently than we see mil.
Also, as a more general question - how long do you have guests in your home? The max we have ever stayed with anyone (including in-laws) has been four nights.
This discussion has been closed.
Replies to: How do you deal with overnight guests when there is not room for all?
My H and I have had issues with this over the course of our marriage. In my childhood home, extra guests went to the hotel. In H's childhood home, people piled in on sleeping bags on the floor and every available nook and cranny. It was considered "rude" to get a hotel room for overflow company.
FWIW, I would have MIL come at another time.
We've had company for as long as a week. It's too long. We also prefer 4 days max both for staying in someone else's home and hosting ourselves. After that, I get antsy to get my space back.
I think your MIL should get the nice guest room and your son should make due with an air mattress, an AIRB&B, or whatever you can figure out. Our neighbor does airb&b and we've thought of that as overflow, but for now we just make do with couches.
Worth bringing up to your DH and DS, maybe they have some ideas. Does your DH have siblings, or is your MIL yours alone for holidays?
IMO, the son is immediate family and should get the spare room. For MIL, you help her get other accommodations since you just don’t have the extra room for her, unfortunately. If she takes offense to that, it’s her problem, not yours.
What I wouldn’t do is make your son sleep on a inflatable mattress for 5 days (see my first sentence).
In general, we don't stay in other peoples' homes either. My D's inlaws always stay with them on an inflatable mattress, all sharing one bathroom for days at a time. We do not. We want and require more privacy than that (DH had extensive colon cancer surgery-he doesn't have a colostomy bag, but suffice to say that nonetheless he has privacy requirements that make anything other than a separate bedroom and ensuite bathroom a non-starter).
As to the OP's scenario, I don't think there is one right answer here. It really depends on the specific family dynamics. We don't kick our kids out of their own bedrooms, but if it were a given that an elderly woman was going to stay with us, I'd likely give her the bedroom. But that doesn't really mean anything really, because I'm not the OP with her unique situation.
It has always been the case that we have stayed with the in-laws and they have stayed with us in our respective homes. We just used to have a much bigger home! I would have been much happier staying at a hotel and having a place to retreat when we visited them - particularly when fil was alive. But, that is their family culture. After being married 30 years now, that would be hard to change.
Dh’s sister is only 45 minutes away from mil. She brought up Thanksgiving to us only a couple of days after fil died. Thanksgiving is sil’s husband’s big family holiday to be together. She basically said, “You’ve got to take mil for Thanksgiving.” So we did - it was only three months after fil had died last year. I honestly was surprised that ds wanted to and was able to come for Thanksgiving last year and that he plans to come again this year. He is on the opposite coast, TG is such a crap time to travel, etc. However, he always has tons of airline miles from his job, and he does not have a SO at this point. Most of his friends are local and go spend time with their families. I am GLAD he wants to be here for TG! But, mil is definitely coming then - and probably again at another time - she’s already mentioned coming in February for her birthday.
I don’t really think ds minds being “trumped” by his grandmother. *I* am the one who minds. And, I kinda mind that dh doesn’t see why this bothers me. Ds probably DOES appreciate having somewhere else to retreat. There really and truly is not room for an air mattress in our condo. Our coffee table is heavy with a glass top - not easy to move. I can’t stand the idea of his sleeping on an air mattress in the kitchen. That just seems icky. Plus, I want ds to WANT to come, so I want him to be comfortable. Honestly, he gets the better end of the deal because we only have a sleeper sofa in our second bedroom (thought it’s not as bad as it sounds - it is some fancy kind - does not have a bar in it and is reported to be quite comfortable), and ds will get a “real” bed whether he stays at our friends’ place or we rent something for him.
Maybe what is bugging me is that it apparently hasn’t crossed mil’s mind that we might prefer ds to be here with us instead of her. She had “booked” with us first last year before we knew if ds could/would come. He wound up working remotely two of the days he was here (so that also made it nice that he could retreat to our friends’ place). I feel like we are going to be “stuck” with this situation as long is mil can travel. That sounds pretty mean, doesn’t it? We do hope to buy a larger condo eventually, but that is probably four Thanksgivings away.
I’m not sure of the answer on how to define “immediate family.” My parents both died before dh and I married, and I have no siblings. I think if I am being honest that at my core I struggle with our always having had to spend holidays with dh’s family and always having to “share” ds after he came along. Pretty selfish, eh? And, whether rightly or wrongly, I think daughters typically stay closer to their family of origin than do sons. That is a BROAD generalization, I know.
So I have a couple of ideas for you going forward. One is that maybe you and your hubby should consider talking about this issue with the help of a counselor... someone who can be neutral and help your husband understand your concerns. Another thought is that if you enjoy your MIL's company and want to keep doing Thanksgiving together, what about renting a larger house just for Thanksgiving weekend so you can all be together then? Either in your own city or (in future years) meeting up in another city altogether.