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one of the strangest things anyone ever said to me
VaBluebird
3563 replies250 threads Senior Member
in Parent Cafe
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Replies to: one of the strangest things anyone ever said to me
I was always gracious as I knew that they meant the adoption fees but.....seriously?
(Said by a neighbor who couldn't step out of her apartment without full makeup. I'm a jeans/t-shirt person who never wears makeup. It came across as an insult, but I do think she envied the fact that I didn't worry about it.)
"Where did you get her?"
"No, where is she *really* from?"
My kid is biracial, not adopted. I never managed to be as ungracious as I should have been.
The audacity still kind of floors me to this day. I learned from that incident to never assume you know what is going on with another person.
When asked "What did she cost" or "What'd ya pay for her" I replied, Oh, about the same cost as a hospital delivery, except that insurance doesn't pay for it. if I was feeling feisty or the person obnoxious I might add: BTW, you don't buy a baby, you pay for the work of a gazillion people who help the process, along, down to the fingerprinter, the social worker, the person who fed and cared for her for months" ( Said with as polite a smile as I could muster.)
Once I bumped into a former co-worker just a day or so after I received my new daughter's photo and personal info. For an adoptive parent this is kind of like getting a positive pregnancy test and sonogram rolled into one after months of fetility treatment. It was a mistake to show her the photo because her reaction?... "It's such a shame you didn't adopt an American child. There are so many in foster care!" So, I asked her how many children she had adopted from foster care. her respone "Oh, I have my OWN children! (Well, ok, your reproductive choice is OK but mine isn't?) To this day I want to give that woman a piece of my mind.
When baby was in my arms one day, a neighbor down the street stopped to chat as we strolled by her yard. She said, "actually, we almost adopted a little boy. We had his information and everything." When I asked what happened she said, "oh, in the end we didn't HAVE to. I got pregnant with my OWN." What I never said to this woman (but the truth is): Actually, adoption was ALWAYS my first choice, the way I always felt called to have a child. And then I didn't marry or feel ready to have a child until I was 42, so adoption was also the logical answer. But once we submitted the paperwork I was TERRIFIED of getting pregnant because my heart knew that MY daughter was in China. And the baby in my arms is no substitute.
But if you assumed I had suffered infertility or miscarriages, your little comment would have been a pretty cruel thing to say even if you didn't mean it to be. But of course I didn't say it. I smile an nod but never stop.
Another woman downtown called out "Where's she from?" when daughter was a toddler. When I replied China, she said she can't be from China. She doesn't look Chinese. Because those people have those squinty eyes and she doesn't look like that." She's pretty (such a compliment!). She said a couple of ruder things that I won't repeat. (I live in the central Appalachians. Enuf said). I swear she didn't seem to realize she was offensive, she was THAT ignorant. Sick as I felt, I tried the informational tactic. I said there are millions and millions of people in China with a lot of different facial features. But "those people" are now "me and my child" and I think you ought to keep your mouth shut.
There are a couple of other bad ones, the worst, in fact, but I think I had better stop here, for now at least! Don't want to dig up those memories today. I will say, though, that most responses of people have been non-intrusive or positive or politely curious, and parenting has been a joy.
She also once asked with great concern when hearing about our upcoming Florida trip with then seven year old son, "Tell me, Marilyn, what is DS going to do in DisneyWorld?" I didn't even know how to start answering that one... "Um. have fun?" Turns out her only experience there was the International part of Epcot. Her entire image of DisneyWorld was exclusively shops and restaurants.
MIL had serious tunnel vision.