My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?
RayB78
17 replies1 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
in College Life
SO my daughter decided she wanted to go to college 3 hours away. She is an only child but had always said as long as I can remember that she wanted to go away to school. She is a very smart child, great student, received great scholarships and is a hard worker in school and out. Overall good kid but reality is hitting her hard right now and she is freaking out. She had a bad start as her roommate literally lasted less than 24 hrs and now she feels alone in her room, her suite mates aren't clicking with her, she's regretting her decision and has called me a few times now and is an emotional wreck!! We have put so much time, energy and preparation into this that I just can't tell her to give up even though I have given her several options to choose from and I've suggested clubs, social events etc but she has a negative outlook on anything I suggest!!
Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated as I am a complete mess with this situation!
61 replies Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated as I am a complete mess with this situation!
Replies to: My daughter moved in 3 days ago and is now freaking out, am i handling this the right way?
Step away from the phone. You and your D need to figure out the right level of communication (clearly, what you've got now is way too frequent and way too intense) and then you need to stick to it. A kid who is calling her parents for support is a kid who is NOT in the dorm lounge sharing popcorn with her dorm mates, and is NOT wandering the aisles of the activities fair looking for cool stuff to do and is NOT standing on line to get in to the lunchtime jazz concert.
The message to her is: Beginnings are rough and we know you can do this! If you're feeling blue, reach out to the RA, go make an appointment at the counseling center. You will feel so much better in a few weeks. Can't wait to talk on Friday- bye! Love you!
We all went to college when long distance calls were expensive, when we all shared a phone in the dorm, and most of my friends spoke with their parents once a week. I think it was WAY better than the current system. I've got friends who insist that their kid call once a day- and then they are a wreck because (choose one) the kid has no friends, the kid got a D on a quiz, the kids boots came from Amazon and they are the wrong size and cold weather is coming in 10 weeks, OMG, how is she going to get boots in 10 weeks?
It will get better. Set up a regular check in call a few times a week and remind her of her terrific coping skills. She will figure it out.
The transition can be hard for many many students. Your D is not alone but she needs to find her people, which takes time.
I would also back off from calls where she is able to wallow and ruminate. She needs to get out of her comfort zone and go to the lounge, join clubs, etc.... The message should be "it takes time and you've got this!".
I will also add, do not go visit and do not let her come home for at least a few weeks.
Freshman year of HS- ugh. Freshman year of college- OMG, it was the toddler years all over again. Everything was bad, everyone was either stuck up or mean, when I'd ask "maybe just go get a cup of coffee to clear your head" I'd hear about how awful the coffee in the cafeteria was. Or that the line for Starbucks was way too long.
So we rationed the calls. Did not want to hear the updates in real time. Made bland and encouraging comments like "gee that sounds challenging, I'll bet you'll figure it out" or "wow, that must have been really aggravating but I'm sure you've got a plan to fix it".
Guess what? The calls stopped. We had to actually set up a "call at this time so we know you're alive" which for many weeks ended up as a quick email instead. Somehow the stuck up kids were just shy before you got to know them. Somehow the mean kids weren't mean- English just wasn't their first language so their use of idioms wasn't 100%. The scary professor turned into an inspiring mentor, and the nasty clerk in the registrars office became the ally who back-dated some important paperwork just to be kind.
Truly- colleges are filled with adults who really love to teach and inspire young people-- and she is going to meet them. Colleges are filled with young people who are curious and out of their comfort zone but are eager to meet people from down the hall or halfway around the world. And colleges have really cool stuff to do on weekends and at night- concerts and poetry readings and exhibits and athletic competitions and fundraisers for kids in need and debates between visiting scholars and political rallies.
She'll get there. It is SO HARD listening to the sadness and the negative thinking- and then it turns around!!!!
So, the suggestion is that (once she is settled and there is sunshine in the world again), find a time to say that while you are always happy to be there for the rainy days, you also need to hear from her on the sunny ones for balance. That can be 'hey, here's the resolution' or it can be 'guess what! this small Good Thing happened'! It is really great to get that small Good Thing call :-)