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Adjustment to high school - what's normal what's not?
ruthstoops
51 replies20 threads Junior Member
Hello there - my son is a very calm kid but is now starting high school and is having trouble falling asleep. He is overloaded with extracurriculars but I can't imagine him cutting back on them as they seem crucial to his happiness. 3 of his 5 classes are honors (all were recommended, not foisted) and they seem on the edge of too hard for him. I don't want a sleepless stressed-out son. How much is normal stress? I will also add that before puberty, he had social-emotional supports - a boy who cried allllll the time. Puberty seemed to erase that but I don't want a silently suffering child.
23 replies
Replies to: Adjustment to high school - what's normal what's not?
My now junior had a pretty rough freshman year. She went from a small to a large school and it was a very overwhelming adjustment for her. She did silently suffer though and I didn't really know how bad freshman year was for her til she started talking about it this year. Like your son, her extra curriculars (including 6.30am jazz band every morning!) was crucial to her social adjustment and so I couldn't ask her to cut that back even though it meant she was quite sleep deprived. Her classes though were not much more demanding in Freshman year than they had been in middle school -- so the stress was social rather than academic. I think they do get through it.
The academics only get harder though after freshman year. It really ratcheted up for our daughter in sophomore year and again in Junior year. So I would monitor his progress this year and if he is still struggling with the workload make sure he doesn't take on too much next year when the temptation is to start loading on the APs.
BTW, one thing we did -- and still do -- is turn off the internet at 10pm and remove phones from the bedroom. That way, homework has to get done by that time, and it makes it a little easier for sleep to occur.
It's probably time for a discussion about sleep and putting into practice routines that will promote good sleep hygiene, specifically the screen time before bed, and maybe some organizational structures, if he is worrying about what needs done/did he do everything/what is coming up tomorrow.
My S is a freshman and we have moved to making him do his homework after dinner, rather than before bed, because "before bed" could stretch into sleep time. It was a pretty easy shift and I'm ok with still setting some structure for him with time management, as we get through this transition to HS period.
Even if his homework is keeping him up sort of late, maybe that would at least get him to sleep faster.
I know adults who spread themselves too thin- they volunteer for every single thing in the community that someone asks of them, they take on extra stuff at work (plan the summer picnic? Run a bridal shower for someone getting married in addition to their regular paid jobs) and they are the family member who is planning the reunion for next summer and "doing" a huge Xmas. And they complain constantly that they don't have time for their friends, the gym, to read a book, or just make macaroni and cheese and hunker down in front of the TV for an evening. They're the ones who get the 8 am therapy appointment so they can be at work by 9:15.
I don't know when it became such a mania to be so busy all the time. You can help your son's adult life NOW by letting him know that it's ok to feel overwhelmed, and that the best way to get his life under control is to actually get his life under control. If one meaningful EC isn't enough for him by January, he can add something else for second semester. But sleep is very important for an adolescent, and having him feel that you're in his court and will let him downshift is equally important.
One class per semester on the "edge of too hard" as a freshman? That sounds healthy. A majority "edge of too hard"? That sounds like burnout to me.
I totally understand your concerns and where your stress is coming from. There is a lot to monitor: grades, sleep, nutrition, new friends. Caution your son to minimize screen time and caffeine an hour before bed to help him sleep.
Some parents see their kid's grades slip, but just as common are the kids who are so run down that they're sick all of the time (and not faking it either). Rest assured, you'll know about serious problems when you see them. Until then, yes, it is an adjustment to a "new normal".
Is his sleep problem clearly stress-related? Academic stress? All I hear from our local school is that social media is causing stress.
Are there any attention or learning issues that might need to be evaluated? Sometimes these aren't evident until high school.
It's only October so hoping things get more comfortable.
What is his deal with cell phone use? Is he distracted a lot when doing homework? It's one thing if he picks it up and checks things quick and puts it back down. It's another if he gets distracted and wastes a lot of time. My daughter kept he phone with her when doing homework but kept it face down so she didn't see notifications. But she had lots of friends who had to put their phones away. And what about before bed? We made my daughter keep her phone downstairs when she went up for bed. Too many kids we knew ended up on their phones late into the night. Also, I know if I'm on electronics right before bed I sometimes have trouble falling asleep. Without his phone maybe his mind will have a chance to relax a bit. Maybe doing something like reading or listening to music for 15 minutes before bed would help?
I would urge him to be proactive talking to teachers about classes he is stressing over and not waiting until he is struggling.
I don't know if changing course selections is an option at this point, but I'd consider it if it was. Otherwise, cutting back on the EC's seems like an obvious choice. How many does he have and what are they?
Nevertheless, trouble falling asleep certainly needs to be watched to see if things "settle" eventually. My daughter "uncoupled" from our academic supervision the moment she entered HS. Fortunately she managed very well independently - so I did step back (other than monitoring the school parent portal very, very tightly.)
However, I am still shocked on HOW late almost every night was for her for the entire 4 years. Still, she opted to attend "Zero Period" chorus and orchestra sessions, starting the school day early for 4 days a week - and often staying after school for theatre rehearsals. (Sometimes I joked that this was just her way of geeting me to WANT to buy her a car by Senior year, rather than continuing shuttling her.) Given those long waking hours and the persistent sleep-deprevation, there never were problems falling asleep.
I can't imagine this could possibly be healthy or how all these kids are able to function. Of course, it means that adjusting to a (much more relaxed) college schedule was a breeze, and they certainly had honed their time-management skills by then.
The adolescent brain undergoes a massive amount of growth and change during the high school years. The prefrontal cortex continues to have numerous changes at this time. These changes impact the development of impulse control and streamline and refine executive function, along with many other functions. Good sleep hygiene is extremely important and the lack of it could have long term effects, if the lack of sleep is ongoing. 9-10 hours of sleep is recommended for this age group. Many, many of the kids at my DD's high performing school did not come even close to being able to get this most nights. I am of the opinion that this lack of sleep during these crucial brain development years is partially responsible for the ever rising crisis of depression and anxiety among students who may also be totally stressed out and constantly busy. This year children at high performing schools were put in the category of "at risk" along with other groups, including kids living in poverty and foster care, recent immigrants and those with incarcerated parents. Our children are paying the price for all of this cortisol running through them, and it is up to us as parents and as a society, to help bring those levels down. Easier said than done, I know.
For what it's worth, DD is now a sophomore in college and last month told me on the phone that she almost always gets 8 hours per night now, as she has found she cannot function optimally without that. Hearing that almost makes all of those talks in the past worth it! I would try to get to the bottom of why they aren't sleeping enough, and do whatever is in your power to help them figure it out.